03-19-2013, 08:01 PM
03-19-2013, 08:07 PM
03-22-2013, 09:58 AM
03-23-2013, 07:04 AM
03-23-2013, 07:14 AM
(03-19-2013, 05:28 PM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote: [ -> ]and a several hoes. Hey ! That must meen that Kokiri lives off agriculture, right? WRONG. There is not a single patch of tilled land to be seen. Only grass. So what do these people eat? I have no idea.
There actually is a veg-patch...
![[Image: KokiriVillage1.jpg]](http://www.zeldauniverse.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/KokiriVillage1.jpg)
It's shown really obviously here.
Take into account that there might not be any vegetables there, but that's definitely a separated area specifically designed for vegetables. You also assume that they don't hunt, which is kind of bizarre...
edit: Or even that their vegetable patches aren't outside of the village. There's a lot of forest there.
03-24-2013, 06:36 AM
As scheduled, here's the next instalment of my attempt at making sense of this game
Terrible theories aside, let’s get back to the game. So far, I’ve got my sword and shield, and am ready to go see the infamous Mojo Tree. Like a boss, I run to where S-S D number 2 is, ready to charge past him and on to ADVENTURE! Nope. Wrong S-S D. Slightly embarrassed, I turn around, just as Faerie shouts “HEY.” “GO SEE THE MOJO TREE.” Yeah, thanks for rubbing my lack of mini-map consultation in my face… So off I trot, somewhat less like a boss, to the other side of the village, where chief S-S D is still, and eternally, shuffling around. I think that S-S D may have a thing for Link. I mean, he already likes to see Stone-Bitch and Grass-Bitch sweat… Think about it. And now for the most satisfying part of the game thus far. Mido-bitch starts on his tirade of “I can’t let you past because you suck” but then sees my pimp sword and shield and gets his ass proverbially handed to him on a platter.
![[Image: VlwBo.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/VlwBo.jpg)
HA
Absolutely livid with jealousy, he proceeds to calling me a “mauviette” before finally stepping aside with the most peculiar walk - He kind of John Wayne’s his way to the right, crotch thrust out as if to try and salvage the last vestiges of his masculinity. At this point, Link has decided to euthanize Mido. Unfortunately Nintendo seems to think this might adversely affect a playing child’s mind (because drowning in Kokiri’s shallow pool because of the player’s blind panic of trying to remember what bloody button to press whilst the heart gauge slowly dwindles is perfectly un-terrorising for the child.) So no killing of useless secondary NPCs today…
Here I am, on the verge of leaving my home, off to save the world from an impending doom and oh wait, first I have to take care of some perennial weeds. Seriously? Gardening? “But it teaches you the basics of combat.” I’m sorry, but combat should be against beasts straight out of the Daemonologie, not some snippy-snappy purple weeds.
![[Image: FBbGn.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/FBbGn.jpg)
Gardening Simulator 1998
They drop sticks on the ground. Sticks. I’m then informed that I can hit things with my newly collected sticks. Surely hitting things with… you know… a sword would be more effective??
I finally finish off the last perennial weed and DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN – I HAVE ARRIVED! I finally meet Mojo Tree! Or rather… some big tree with eyebrows and a moustache and no clear method of seeing or speaking. But hey, it’s a magic tree so who am I to argue. Link gets the usual “you must save the world - chosen one - forces of evil - bad – good – go now.” I’m sorry – but you are a terrible magic tree. Surely you could just do some badass spell that sets fire to the enemy’s balls or something. No? Sending an untrained, barely armed child to fight the collective forces of evil seems like a much better option. Well done Mojo Tree you lazy [expletive].
![[Image: yvJqv.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/yvJqv.jpg)
You do have fine facial hair
Now at this point, Mojo Tree makes a monumental mistake. He has the courtesy to ask me whether or not I actually want to fight evil. Of course, and without even a hint of second thought, I say ‘no’, because Link is tired of Mojo Tree’s whining, and would rather go explore the world without being beset by hell’s minions.
![[Image: zHvzP.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/zHvzP.jpg)
hahahahahaha yeah... no.
So ignoring Mojo Tree’s passive aggressive “maybe you need more practice” remark, Link goes off to make a life surrounded by money and non-Kokiri honies. Except that apparently there’s no exit from Mojo’s grove other than the village. (At this point, I realise how much I’m used to playing RPGs because I see some more perennial weeds and think “KILL THEM ALL FOR XP.” It’s only after going back to one of them that has grown back that I realise that killing them has absolutely no bearing on my adventure.)
Something good does come out of the whole affair though – I meet this fat stone statue. I promptly (and logically) slash it with my sword, because that seems like the default thing to do when met with an unknown element. The stone turns out to be some kind of latex and it boings around for a bit before coming out with the most random and nonsensical comment about what time it is.
![[Image: SvPWh.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/SvPWh.jpg)
DING! DONG!
Grudgingly admitting defeat, I slink back to Mojo Tree and tell him (or rather pretend to tell him) that I’m ready to beat back the forces of evil with my army of sticks. He seems quite happy about that and proceeds to opening his reproductive organ right into the ground. What.
![[Image: XQxA9.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/XQxA9.jpg)
This is the part when you call your local authorities
Now, when I was a young’un, I was always taught about stranger danger. And I think that “putting yourself in a stranger’s reproductive orifice” qualifies as a level 10 stranger danger situation. Unfortunately, Link hasn’t received an education and charges in. But what awaits us on the other side?...
![[Image: jpP24.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/jpP24.jpg)
Just like in my wildest fantasies
- SERIOUSLY
- Episode 2 -
Terrible theories aside, let’s get back to the game. So far, I’ve got my sword and shield, and am ready to go see the infamous Mojo Tree. Like a boss, I run to where S-S D number 2 is, ready to charge past him and on to ADVENTURE! Nope. Wrong S-S D. Slightly embarrassed, I turn around, just as Faerie shouts “HEY.” “GO SEE THE MOJO TREE.” Yeah, thanks for rubbing my lack of mini-map consultation in my face… So off I trot, somewhat less like a boss, to the other side of the village, where chief S-S D is still, and eternally, shuffling around. I think that S-S D may have a thing for Link. I mean, he already likes to see Stone-Bitch and Grass-Bitch sweat… Think about it. And now for the most satisfying part of the game thus far. Mido-bitch starts on his tirade of “I can’t let you past because you suck” but then sees my pimp sword and shield and gets his ass proverbially handed to him on a platter.
HAAbsolutely livid with jealousy, he proceeds to calling me a “mauviette” before finally stepping aside with the most peculiar walk - He kind of John Wayne’s his way to the right, crotch thrust out as if to try and salvage the last vestiges of his masculinity. At this point, Link has decided to euthanize Mido. Unfortunately Nintendo seems to think this might adversely affect a playing child’s mind (because drowning in Kokiri’s shallow pool because of the player’s blind panic of trying to remember what bloody button to press whilst the heart gauge slowly dwindles is perfectly un-terrorising for the child.) So no killing of useless secondary NPCs today…
Here I am, on the verge of leaving my home, off to save the world from an impending doom and oh wait, first I have to take care of some perennial weeds. Seriously? Gardening? “But it teaches you the basics of combat.” I’m sorry, but combat should be against beasts straight out of the Daemonologie, not some snippy-snappy purple weeds.
Gardening Simulator 1998
They drop sticks on the ground. Sticks. I’m then informed that I can hit things with my newly collected sticks. Surely hitting things with… you know… a sword would be more effective??
I finally finish off the last perennial weed and DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN – I HAVE ARRIVED! I finally meet Mojo Tree! Or rather… some big tree with eyebrows and a moustache and no clear method of seeing or speaking. But hey, it’s a magic tree so who am I to argue. Link gets the usual “you must save the world - chosen one - forces of evil - bad – good – go now.” I’m sorry – but you are a terrible magic tree. Surely you could just do some badass spell that sets fire to the enemy’s balls or something. No? Sending an untrained, barely armed child to fight the collective forces of evil seems like a much better option. Well done Mojo Tree you lazy [expletive].
You do have fine facial hair
Now at this point, Mojo Tree makes a monumental mistake. He has the courtesy to ask me whether or not I actually want to fight evil. Of course, and without even a hint of second thought, I say ‘no’, because Link is tired of Mojo Tree’s whining, and would rather go explore the world without being beset by hell’s minions.
hahahahahaha yeah... no.
So ignoring Mojo Tree’s passive aggressive “maybe you need more practice” remark, Link goes off to make a life surrounded by money and non-Kokiri honies. Except that apparently there’s no exit from Mojo’s grove other than the village. (At this point, I realise how much I’m used to playing RPGs because I see some more perennial weeds and think “KILL THEM ALL FOR XP.” It’s only after going back to one of them that has grown back that I realise that killing them has absolutely no bearing on my adventure.)
Something good does come out of the whole affair though – I meet this fat stone statue. I promptly (and logically) slash it with my sword, because that seems like the default thing to do when met with an unknown element. The stone turns out to be some kind of latex and it boings around for a bit before coming out with the most random and nonsensical comment about what time it is.
DING! DONG!
Grudgingly admitting defeat, I slink back to Mojo Tree and tell him (or rather pretend to tell him) that I’m ready to beat back the forces of evil with my army of sticks. He seems quite happy about that and proceeds to opening his reproductive organ right into the ground. What.
This is the part when you call your local authorities
Now, when I was a young’un, I was always taught about stranger danger. And I think that “putting yourself in a stranger’s reproductive orifice” qualifies as a level 10 stranger danger situation. Unfortunately, Link hasn’t received an education and charges in. But what awaits us on the other side?...
Just like in my wildest fantasies
- SERIOUSLY
03-24-2013, 07:35 AM
03-24-2013, 06:14 PM
03-24-2013, 09:40 PM
03-28-2013, 11:12 PM
03-29-2013, 06:56 AM
03-29-2013, 09:52 AM
03-29-2013, 02:08 PM
03-30-2013, 09:51 AM
03-31-2013, 08:00 AM
- Episode 3 -
Right – it's Easter, and chocolate abounds, but it’s now time to get back to serious business – saving the world.
![[Image: Ed94R.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/Ed94R.jpg)
All good world savings start inside a tree
Here’s a riddle to start you off. What douche wants you to save the world and thinks that instead of sending you to where the world is currently being un-saved, it would be a good idea to make you go needlessly through its spider and carnivorous-plant infested insides. Did you answer the Mojo Tree ? DING DING DING. More like ding ding don’t. Seriously; why do I have to go through this tree just to have the privilege of saving Hyrule? Maybe ol’ Mojo likes having little boys squirming round his entrails. Hmmm.
Well… It’s not as if I have much of a choice. I’ll try and keep this short because not much happens in this tree. The first thing that happens is a huge kick in the proverbial nuts. I walk in, taking in my impressive surroundings when “HEY! LOOK!” Faerie thing is faffing around some spider’s web. I get a bit wary. Why is she trying to tempt me onto a spider web? Fortunately, Link doesn’t stop to think and runs onto it. Clever Link. Looking down, I see what seems to be the exit. Well that’s easy. Oh wait no it isn’t; this is a Zelda game – I’m probably going to have to climb to the top of this tree, fighting random enemies along the way, find some small key that will open a small door into a labyrinth, the exit of which can only be opened by activating 70 levers following a pattern found in Shostakovich’s 9th symphony’s tuba solo. Then it’ll go dududadadududuDING and will show me a cut-scene of a door opening. A door that I have NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN MY LIFE and therefore have no idea it’s actually behind a wall that you push once to the left, then thrice to the right, then back again all whilst a disembodied timer clicks away. All I want is my time-travellin’ Ocarina :(
![[Image: UWqW1.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/UWqW1.jpg)
Of course, slashing it with a sword does nothing; that would be too logical.
So off I climb, dodging carnivorous plants and finding chests filled with… a map? Seriously? Mojo tree thinks that his insides are so difficult to navigate that you need a map? And don’t get me started on the bloody compass. What use is a compass inside a tree? “Hello, I’ve been sucked in by Mojo Tree’s genitals and I need to find a way out.” “I can’t help you there, bro. But I can tell you that you’re facing North-Northwest.”
![[Image: gUiG4.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/gUiG4.jpg)
Why can’t Link use his levitation hand powers at other points in the game?
I smell unnecessary padding, Legend of Zelda. I think we need to get to an actual plot point rather than making Link run around a tree for a while. But I’m just being cynical… Let’s enjoy this level and think of it as a tutori-SPIDERINYOFACE. Ahem, that made me jump more than my masculinity allows me to admit. (Brief pause – MS Word wants me to change “that made me jump” to “that made me jumps.” What.)
Luckily for me, I have recently acquired a slingshot and, I shit you not, some of Mojo’s many, many “seeds” *cough*.
![[Image: KhE3a.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/KhE3a.jpg)
![[Image: xuf6p.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/xuf6p.jpg)
Why call it a lance-pierre if it ain’t gonna lance pierre?
So now I find myself catapulting Mojo-sperm onto spiders like it’s nobody’s business. At this point, I’m more worried about getting arrested – pursuant to Title VII, Section 232 of the Fort Peck Tribes Comprehensive Code of Justice (yes I Googled it) – than getting eaten by a spider. These spiders aren’t very smart, are they? I hit one with Mojo’s spawn and it doesn’t get damaged. So what does it think would be the next logical move? Spin around! Show its vulnerable underbelly! Perhaps they secretly want to be inseminated with dat sweet spewm. Ergh…
![[Image: F8qY0.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/F8qY0.jpg)
That spider’s going to need a whole lot of therapy
I’m going to have to stop here I’m afraid. I’m stuck in a room. I went into this room, that promptly locked behind me (thanks again, Arbre Mojo and your superb plans.) I killed some enemies, hopped over some timed pillars, found some pimp golden spider-amulet-thing, and opened a chest with a compass.
Now I can’t get out…
![[Image: ZuuBy.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/ZuuBy.jpg)
Link also got stabbed by a hundred golden spears
Oh wait ! Turns out I have sticks on me that I can use to set fire to the other torch. All is well. Apparently, I have 5 sticks on me. Sticks that are about as tall as Link. One cannot see the sticks that Link is holding. Where are the sticks? Terrible, terrible answers on a postcard please.
I have a bad feeling that I now need to jump down the tree and into the spider’s web at the bottom. That’ll be for next time…
- SERIOUSLY