(06-05-2013, 03:55 PM)Beware of Cuccos Wrote: Something is missing from my life...

(06-06-2013, 08:09 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote: I've travelled to France to see my family so I'm currently spending a lot of time with them

(06-06-2013, 08:09 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote: I've travelled to France to see my family

(06-06-2013, 08:09 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote: to see my family

(07-03-2013, 10:28 PM)Hexadecimal Wrote: *cough cough*

(07-03-2013, 10:52 PM)Psychospacecow Wrote:

(07-03-2013, 10:28 PM)Hexadecimal Wrote: *cough cough*

I think she needs some serious medicine.

(07-04-2013, 04:10 PM)Xannidel Wrote: I will take 200 of the above. What's the recommended dosage?

- Episode 8 -

Y U DO THIS, Ocarina of Time !? WHY !? Is it because I haven’t played you for a month ? Are you resentful ?

I turn on my game, thinking “Aww yiss, gonna continue dat OoT.” I boot it up, ready for some more Metal Gear nonsense in Hyrule Castle, only to be confronted with Lil Link’s ugly mug in his pathetic excuse for a home. BRB, going to do the long hard slog BACK to the castle.

*15 minutes later*

Well that was a monumental waste of time. Just as I got into Hyrule Castle to go past the guards, I remembered, like from the depths of my mind, that I had quick-saved so that I didn’t have to do the whole “Link has issues with home-sickness” malarkey every time. One quick-load later and here I am – just past the guards. I don’t quite understand the security behind the castle. I mean, these guards can’t be cheap to upkeep. They’re likely unionised, so that puts exploiting them out of the question, they probably get a danger-pay bonus (because guarding hedges is particularly perilous), the employer has to pay into their pension plan, then they get paid sick leave and holiday leave. Hyrule Castle must be swimming in debt...

And Link is not a fan of the shoddy tiling

Anyway, micro-economics aside, Link has a mission to complete! Let’s find the princess and persuade her to elope, gallivanting their days away in Cock Village. At least that’s what I think the mission is... That or saving the world, I don't actually remember. Link enters the “Cour du Château”, and BEHOLD! It’s the princess (which I can’t help saying out loud in an Italian accent). Well that was relatively easy... I guess I’m nearing the end of the game.

It’s not only the tiling that sucks in this château; the architecture is also terribly wrong. This is apparently the castle’s courtyard, so you would expect a grandiose open area near the front with gardens and fountains and whatnot. Not here – no no no ! This courtyard is a small rotund affair with but a small platform surrounded by water. “But surely”, you all cry, “It’s easily accessible!” Don’t kid yourselves; the only way to get to this courtyard is through a small door right next to the hole whence out popped Link. Then you have to walk through the myriad of guards, past the innumerable hedges. And then when you finally get to the courtyard, there isn’t actually much to do. No benches, no pedalos in the water, nothing. Just grass. If you like grass, then fair game, but for everyone else this is a dismal excuse for a courtyard. Still, it’s where the princess is, and the linear access is probably put there on purpose so that the little kiddies don’t stray off and spend two episodes exploring half the bloody world map before going to their next waypoint. Point taken, Nintendo...

The “attaque” option is rather worrying...

One thing I must commend the game on is the fact that when Link is half-way up a step, the foot that’s still on the bottom step stays there. Now that may not seem like much to you, but in so many games you see the character with one foot on a step and the other one floating in thin air. Well done whoever designed that.
At this point, Link once again displays his ineptitude at conversation when confronted with someone of the fairer sex (or imposed gender, or whatever the hippies call it nowadays). The princess, rightly shocked at having some creepy boy sneak up behind her, asks Link how he got past the guards. Instead of giving the right answer of “because they’re shite at their job”, he just stares. And stares.

Oh Link, it sometimes seems like you want a restraining order

The princess then asks Link if he has the green stone thing that Mojo tree had given him. Obviously, Link selects “no”. Don’t trust a gal who immediately clamours for your bling and not your shockingly good elfin looks. The princess looks upset and tries to ply Link with “Oh but you look like the boy in my dream”. Yeah. Nice try, but Link don’t falls for your mawkish words. “Come on, tell me the truth.” Holy crêpes she’s persistent. It’s almost as if the game is subtly hinting that the plot won’t progress if I say “no”. Well suck it, Nintendo; Link says “no” again. However it’s to no avail as the conversation takes a cyclical turn until, worn down by the princess’s lust for dat green gem, Link gives in and says “yes”.

Princy-Princess, not realising that she’s won, start off on a tirade about a dream she had and about this prophecy, and about how she saw Link with the green stone in her dream. Link, I heavily recommend you abort mission. This person is obviously insane and will murder you when you sleep.

And she’s staring at Link’s junk

And now, the princess decides she’s going to regale Link with the legend of Hyrule or something to that effect. Bloody hell, all I want is to play a game, not listen to endless waffling faff about gems and faeries. And I’ve already heard this story! It’s the three mega-ultra-faeries who came down to Hyrule and created everything and gems and children cheer etc etc. Apparently, s/he who will hold the triforce will get a wish. I wish that Princess Zelda shuts up. How’s that for a wish? The legend even says “if s/he who asks the question is pure of heart, Hyrule will know an era of peace.” Well amen to that. Shut Zelda up, get era of peace. Bargain.

Oh. Well apparently if a bad person says a wish, the world will go down the toilet. Well damn. At least there’s the overarching storyline right there. Go get triforce before Mr Evilman (who I’m assuming will be Gammondoors). You also need the three ancient stones to open the door of time to get to the triforce to get to the wish to get to the era of peace. There’s your shameless plot-line padding right there. The game is all laid out! Let’s get to it!

Oh wait nope, it’s not over yet. Zelda asks Link if he’s understood everything. After Eyebrowl’s incessant switching of the answers, Link is wary and waits a good 5 seconds before making his choice because the hell is he listening to that whole spiel again...

At this point, Zelda lets us know why she was looking through the courtyard window. She’s seen the embodiment and personification of the dark clouds of her dreams. But who is it? Who could it possibly be. We’ll have to find out next time. Don’t let the suspense keep you awake.

Either she’s pointing, or she’s preparing to bitch-slap poor Link

– SERIOUSLY

(08-05-2013, 02:09 PM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote: Gammondoors

(10-19-2013, 01:05 PM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote: I'm glad to announce that at least one of my older save files survived my laptop dying :D





Watch this space.

(10-19-2013, 01:19 PM)gamemaster1991 Wrote: