SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

As scheduled, here's the next instalment of my attempt at making sense of this game

- Episode 2 -

Terrible theories aside, let’s get back to the game. So far, I’ve got my sword and shield, and am ready to go see the infamous Mojo Tree. Like a boss, I run to where S-S D number 2 is, ready to charge past him and on to ADVENTURE! Nope. Wrong S-S D. Slightly embarrassed, I turn around, just as Faerie shouts “HEY.” “GO SEE THE MOJO TREE.” Yeah, thanks for rubbing my lack of mini-map consultation in my face… So off I trot, somewhat less like a boss, to the other side of the village, where chief S-S D is still, and eternally, shuffling around. I think that S-S D may have a thing for Link. I mean, he already likes to see Stone-Bitch and Grass-Bitch sweat… Think about it. And now for the most satisfying part of the game thus far. Mido-bitch starts on his tirade of “I can’t let you past because you suck” but then sees my pimp sword and shield and gets his ass proverbially handed to him on a platter.

HA

Absolutely livid with jealousy, he proceeds to calling me a “mauviette” before finally stepping aside with the most peculiar walk - He kind of John Wayne’s his way to the right, crotch thrust out as if to try and salvage the last vestiges of his masculinity. At this point, Link has decided to euthanize Mido. Unfortunately Nintendo seems to think this might adversely affect a playing child’s mind (because drowning in Kokiri’s shallow pool because of the player’s blind panic of trying to remember what bloody button to press whilst the heart gauge slowly dwindles is perfectly un-terrorising for the child.) So no killing of useless secondary NPCs today…

Here I am, on the verge of leaving my home, off to save the world from an impending doom and oh wait, first I have to take care of some perennial weeds. Seriously? Gardening? “But it teaches you the basics of combat.” I’m sorry, but combat should be against beasts straight out of the Daemonologie, not some snippy-snappy purple weeds.

Gardening Simulator 1998

They drop sticks on the ground. Sticks. I’m then informed that I can hit things with my newly collected sticks. Surely hitting things with… you know… a sword would be more effective??

I finally finish off the last perennial weed and DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN – I HAVE ARRIVED! I finally meet Mojo Tree! Or rather… some big tree with eyebrows and a moustache and no clear method of seeing or speaking. But hey, it’s a magic tree so who am I to argue. Link gets the usual “you must save the world - chosen one - forces of evil - bad – good – go now.” I’m sorry – but you are a terrible magic tree. Surely you could just do some badass spell that sets fire to the enemy’s balls or something. No? Sending an untrained, barely armed child to fight the collective forces of evil seems like a much better option. Well done Mojo Tree you lazy [expletive].

You do have fine facial hair

Now at this point, Mojo Tree makes a monumental mistake. He has the courtesy to ask me whether or not I actually want to fight evil. Of course, and without even a hint of second thought, I say ‘no’, because Link is tired of Mojo Tree’s whining, and would rather go explore the world without being beset by hell’s minions.

hahahahahaha yeah... no.

So ignoring Mojo Tree’s passive aggressive “maybe you need more practice” remark, Link goes off to make a life surrounded by money and non-Kokiri honies. Except that apparently there’s no exit from Mojo’s grove other than the village. (At this point, I realise how much I’m used to playing RPGs because I see some more perennial weeds and think “KILL THEM ALL FOR XP.” It’s only after going back to one of them that has grown back that I realise that killing them has absolutely no bearing on my adventure.)

Something good does come out of the whole affair though – I meet this fat stone statue. I promptly (and logically) slash it with my sword, because that seems like the default thing to do when met with an unknown element. The stone turns out to be some kind of latex and it boings around for a bit before coming out with the most random and nonsensical comment about what time it is.

DING! DONG!

Grudgingly admitting defeat, I slink back to Mojo Tree and tell him (or rather pretend to tell him) that I’m ready to beat back the forces of evil with my army of sticks. He seems quite happy about that and proceeds to opening his reproductive organ right into the ground. What.

This is the part when you call your local authorities

Now, when I was a young’un, I was always taught about stranger danger. And I think that “putting yourself in a stranger’s reproductive orifice” qualifies as a level 10 stranger danger situation. Unfortunately, Link hasn’t received an education and charges in. But what awaits us on the other side?...

Just like in my wildest fantasies

- SERIOUSLY