SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

- Episode 5 -

First of all, let me start off by saying that I take back what I said about Mojo Tree. He let me into his bowels knowing full well that he was going to kick the proverbial bucket, and now he gives me this green jewel (which I forgot to mention in the last episode) saying “this is what cursed me, here you go lol.” So now I have this cursed jewel that killed one of the most magical things in the world. Superb.

Anyway, at least I now know where I’m supposed to go and what I’m supposed to do more or less – Go to Hyrule Château, find some person (which I’m assuming is Zelda) and then... something. Mojo didn’t plan that far ahead unfortunately. Luckily, my best friend the condescending blonde elf-person is here ! I’ll ask her to see if she has any advice. “Castle? What’s a castle?” she asks, bewildered. You need to get out more, love.

That's Link's "bitch please" face

HEY ! LISTEN ! Ah, finally, some real advice from my navigator Navi the faerie. What wisdom do you wish to bring to the table Navi ? “Mojo Tree told us to go to the castle, we should go to the castle don’t you think ?” Well encompass me in pastry and call me sausage roll, that had never occurred to me ! I just thought I'd stay in Cock Village forever and just stand there.

Swallowing down my exasperation at such idiocy, I go on to the other side of the village towards the other exit, which, and I swear I’m not making this up, looks like an anus. No seriously, just to show you how much I’m not fishing for smut to say, here’s a picture. Seriously, what went on in the programming team's childhood to warrant such constant imagery ?

Number of badly disguised orifices entered so far - 4

There’s a nice little sign next to the... exit that says “Kokiris never leave the forest.” Only in this village full of half-wits (and perhaps North-Korea) would such a sign work. So much for free thought. Anyway, off I pop, got a world to save after all.

What follows is a relatively bizarre scene. Link arrives at the bridge and starts to cross, at which point condescending blonde elf-person just materialises out of bloody nowhere, leaning sultrily on the sides of the bridge. She then starts guilt-tripping little Link by going “You’re leaving us already. I knew you would, you were always different.” Link, of course, does not know how to speak so just looks at her. Just as the sexual tension reaches a climax, condescending blonde elf-person whips out a flesh coloured bladder. She calls it an ocarina, but I have certain reservations, I mean she did produce it out of nowhere. Link, as expected, has no idea what this is and just stares wide-eyed at his newly acquired ocarina.

"Whazissshinyyy" - exactly what's going through Link's head

Not content with just being suggestive, blondy goes all out and basically says “If you come back, we’re going to get it on.” Now, I’m really starting to question Link’s ability to save the world if his answer to “Let’s get it on” is to run away. Perhaps he would have preferred Mido to wish him farewell.

And so little Link is in Hyrule Field ! The world is his oyster ! HOUUU HOUUUU says a voice from up above ! Is it a bird ? Is it a plane ? It’s a bloody sentient owl with some whopping eyebrows, that’s what it is. Turns out this owl is also a good advice-giver because it starts off by saying “Go to Château Hyrule”. Unfortunately, the usefulness stops there as owl mentions that Link is to meet a princess, thinking that Link will go quicker. Sorry mate, we just saw about 20 seconds ago that Link don’t want none of that booty. He’s too busy saving the world.

At this point, one of the most frustrating things happened. Normally, when one is given a little spiel, one has the option to hear the spiel again in case one misses something. And normally it goes “yes” and then “no” so that the furious button mashers can quickly end the conversation. NOT SO. TWICE I pressed “no” thinking I meant yes, to which Eyebrowl (which is what I’m calling him) proceeds to giving his whole bloody speech again. After this, the most difficult boss fight of my life, Eyebrowl gives a final HOUUU HOUUU and flaffs off somewhere, leaving Link to his own devices. That’s what I don’t understand with many games. Some secondary character comes barging in, not bothering to introduce him, her or itself, gives a little soliloquy about something slightly relevant and then just buggers off.

I hope I was confusing enough, HOUU HOUUU

Unphased, Link goes on to save the world ! In... about 10 minutes, because that’s how long it takes to get bloody anywhere on foot in Hyrule Fields apparently. Link makes the mistake of not going straight ahead as Eyebrowl had suggested, and instead turns left because there’s an interesting plant that piques his interest. Little does he know that the plant is actually a flipping GIANT LEVITATING PINEAPPLE COMPLETE WITH SPINNING RAZORLEAF APPENDAGES.

Nope nope nope nope nope

After that subtle reminder as to where Link was supposed to go, he decides to follow instructions and runs off towards Château Hyrule. But what awaits ? Well according to the Nintendo Science Department, a sudden switch to night-time, because that’s how the world works, kids !

Anyhow, I’ll leave it there for today. I expect it’ll take me until next week just to get to Château Hyrule on foot so bear with me.

- SERIOUSLY


PS – I re-booted the game to see if I had saved correctly and the game LOADS UP BACK IN LINK'S HOUSE IN COCK VILLAGE ! WHAT. So if you go all the way to the gates of Château Hyrule, save, and then turn off your console, the game thinks “Hmmm maybe they were going to go back to Kokiri Village.” What.