SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

A few hours behind the schedule I try to keep to, but here you go, Link traipses around Hyrule Fields.

- Episode 6 -

Ahhhh, fresh air ! No more living in the stuffy forest for Link ! No siree-bob ! No more doing what other people tell Link to do ! This is a new chapter of Link’s life ! A chapter wherein Link is the boss of Link’s destiny ! Oh wait, no it isn’t, this is a video game, and you can’t explore in the order you desire because weird and wonderful things block your path. No leeway to develop the player’s adventurous side whatsoever.

Link tries to go to this Zora river place to the East ? Nope - convenient boulder barrage. Link tries to go to Cocorico Village? Nope – Eyebrowl on a tree with a fresh new cockblock and yet another ridiculous option. The “yes/no” option is now in the right order, and so the button mashers rejoice ! But lo, what is this ? A negative question ? Well here’s the whole damn conversation again ! I sincerely hope that I get to shoot down Eyebrowl at some point in the near future.

You should probably see a chiropractor about that

Link then decides to head West, anywhere but the castle, basically. For some reason, night-time is the perfect time for these skeleton-thingies to pop out of the ground and slowly shamble towards Link. Seeing as this isn’t an XP-based RPG, Link happily ignores them and goes off on his way to this charming looking ranch. Now here’s another life lesson for the kiddies straight from Nintendo – trespassing is profitable ! *cue children cheering* Link enters this Lon Lon ranch and goes poking and prodding and being insulted by this irked farmer guy with a pitchfork. So far so legal.

Unfortunately, pitchfork guy talks about the farmer having a “pretty” daughter. Link, who merely tricked us into thinking that he was afraid of women, feels like he’s hit the jackpot and goes into the other building. Instead of his next object of interest, there appears to just be a lot of chickens. Link proceeds to breaking pots and stomping on the bed, etc., which explains a lot about our generation.
Now at this point, something strikes me as odd. Throughout the whole ranch, there is but a single bed. Assuming the guy with the pitchfork is some kind of serf who is expected to sleep with the cows, why do the other two have to share a bed ? The ranch seems to be doing pretty well for itself so money surely isn’t a problem. I like to think that the owner and the pitchfork guy are in a relationship, and the girl tends to the chickens at night because she never sleeps.

This has got to be the world’s worst designed staircase

If all of that wasn’t bad enough – at the very back of the estate, there’s a little tower with boxes hiding a secret entrance to what seems to be the family treasure. But not any more ! Link has decided that he wants it. *more children cheering* Fresh off his breaking and entering spree, off Link trots again, heading West. As expected, every single bloody exit is blocked off. Only one remains.

It’s that flipping owl again

Eyebrowl lets Link know that Lake Hylia lies beyond. What he doesn’t let Link know is that there’s a huge-ass gate in the way and that there’s no use trying to go to Lake Hylia because there’s an insurmountable huge-ass gate in the way to Lake Hylia. One day...

Off to the castle then, I suppose. But wait ! There’s a gaping hole in the ground ! That’s probably dangerous, Link, you shouldn’t... nope face first into the hole it is. In real life, falling down a hole is synonymous with injury and starvation if there’s not a Lassie nearby. Not in Hyrule. In true Nintendo think-of-the-children style, the kiddies are shown that at the bottom of every dark ground-orifice there’s a convenient magical platform that will whisk you back to the surface. How bloody quaint. Even the damn beehive doesn’t do anything when you slingshot it (which Link obviously does a few times because health and safety is for blaggards). Ah well, may as well open the game-ending treasure chest. What does it hold ? A magical sword ? The triforce ? Niet, just 5 rupees, because that’s all you’re worth, Link.

Moving swiftly on, I finally meet what I dislike the most about Zelda games. Once again, I run into the flying murder-pineapple and run away, because that’s what true heroes do. Mr Pineapple seems to think that by running away, Link is being coy, and proceeds to sending off his spawn to chase Link down. Link finally has enough of this running away and turns to face the enemy. Unfortunately for Link, he misjudged how far the mini-pineapples were and proceeds to receive a face-full of pineablades™, pushing his heart count to one. And now I have to run all the way to the castle with “din din” “din din” in my ears, a journey that takes about an hour. Never have I been so happy to see a patch of slashable grass in my life.

And so here we are – Château Hyrule – the next step of our adventure. Time to meet the princess !

Storyline, this way (all... 20-odd pixels of it)

- SERIOUSLY