SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

Here's a little aside before Episode 2

- Episode 1.bis -

Before I go off to find Mojo the tree, I think we need to take a look at what seems to be the most terrible excuse for a settlement – Kokiri Village/Forest.

From the Kokiri Bored of Tourism (pun intended)

I say this because in my gameplay thus far, I’ve started having my doubts about this village, diving deeper into the sombre secret at its heart. But first – what made me start to think this ? Answer – EVERYTHING.

Inhabitants - First of all, let’s take a look at the inhabitants – We have Creepy Link, Side-Shuffling Douche, that condescending one who just smiles at you until you bugger off, the other side-shuffling douche, Grass-Bitch, Stone-Bitch, Know-It-All 1, Know-It-All 2, Girl on top of the pillar, Girl above the entrance to the store, Generic Elf-Person Number 5, Generic Elf-Person Number 6, and D-Bag the Storekeeper. So far so good.

Hey ! Listen ! Press Z, then B for a nutshot

The problem arises when you realise that everyone in the village, apart from D-Bag, seems to be a goddamn child. Now either I’m missing something, or Kokiri Village has gone all Pokémon World War and murdered everyone’s parents. We can only assume that D-Bag is some kind of leader, trying to keep the kiddies in check with his store, teaching them the basics of economics. Which brings me to my next point…

We'll see who's smiling when I get the sling-shot...

Economics – What is this village’s economy based on? How do the kiddies pay for the goods in the store? The answer – they don’t. Through a scarcity of valid currency (seriously, there is about a total of 10 green crystal things in all the houses combined), and the fact that new currency seems to pop out of grass when you slash it (I found about 40 crystal things in under 5 minutes), the village is obviously undergoing staggering hyperinflation fuelled by the lack of competition in local commerce. D-Bag’s store is the only one. He holds a monopoly and can therefore set his price to whatever he bloody well pleases. Let’s take a tangible example – Inside Side-Shuffling Douche’s house, I found three green crystals. What can you buy with three green crystals ? NOTHING. The cheapest item is a “Bâton Deku [stick]” and a heart, both at 10 crystals.

The only item that seems somewhat edible is the “Noix Deku [nut]”, five of which will cost you 15 crystals. So essentially, S-S D’s wealth will buy him whole Deku Nut. That’s it. He has no apparent source of income (indeed he seems to be using slavery to get things done as we can see with Grass-Bitch and Stone-Bitch) and is supposed to survive on a Deku Nut. Hold that thought in your head. I’ll be using it for my grand final theory.

This has a very Soviet Russia vibe to it... Also I should probably start calling the crystal things "Rubis"

Infrastructure – Look at Link’s house. Look at it.

LOOK

What do you see? If you answered “bugger all”, gold star. He has a wooden bed, a wooden table, and wooden seats. Oh, let’s not forget the water-bowl-thing. The only things of note are the weapons he seems to have on his wall. A butcher’s knife, two tridents, and a several hoes. Hey ! That must meen that Kokiri lives off agriculture, right? WRONG. There is not a single patch of tilled land to be seen. Only grass. So what do these people eat? I have no idea. If these kiddies can’t eat, they’re not meant to live long (hold that thought in your head).

Surrounded by knives and hoes...

At least they have water. Or do they? All I see is a waterfall and a long pool of water with no discernible output. This isn’t fresh, flowing water that the kiddies can drink – it’s a stagnant pool that keeps getting filled. Stagnant water breeds pestilence, children, especially now that Link’s fallen into it about five hundred times whilst trying to jump over those ridiculous platforms. So rising, stagnant waters? Not very good for long-term survival, amiright? (keep that thought in your head).

Then we have the issue of unemployment. Throughout the whole village we have one person with a regular job – D-Bag (unless you count S-S D’s slave trade of course). That puts the unemployment rate at 92.3%. Oh dear. That’s not going to stimulate the economy. No economy (yes, back to the economy) = no society. No society = anarchy. Not very good for long-term survival. (keep that thought in your head). “But, this is a video-game, and these are children enjoying life!” you say? No. I deal with science and this is not scientifically sound.

Link discovers gravity

Long-term survival of the village – From the lack of food, to the lack of population (in the best case scenario, they’ll be forced to inbreed at the 4th generation). From the lack of economy, to the lack of infrastructure. It’s obvious that this village is not meant to last. But what if that was meant to be?

Grand Theorem - Kokiri Village is hiding a dark secret, a secret I have finally managed to elucidate. Hear me out. The Mojo Tree, bored with its monotonous existence, decided to play a little social experiment. He created a village, populated it with automatons, set to repeat the same words and actions for ever more. There is no viable economy, genealogy, or infrastructure. That is because the Mojo Tree doesn’t expect his experiment to last more than a few days. He then has a small child kidnapped by D-Bag, wipes its memory, and places it in this village. Unfortunately it seems that the child did not take well to the chloroform used to kidnap it and has had an allergic reaction. Mojo Tree, sensing that his experiment may end before it’s even begun sends in one of his fallen faeries to wake him from his quasi-eternal slumber.

We’re not given a back-story to the child, or this so-called Kokiri village. That’s because there is none. Mojo Tree creates, and Mojo Tree controls. His plan? To toy with this child, until the child perishes. He places automaton guards at the each exit, programmed to shuffle across a very precise semi-circle. He places various other automatons to tell the child what to do, guiding him along to the next death-trap. Unfortunately many of the automatons malfunction and talk gibberish – “Press Z, then A to do an attack”. The child is still under the effects of the chloroform and stumbles blindly through this world, without noticing and trying to find an exit. Walking forward, he falls into a pool of water. A waterfall is slowly filling the pool with the crystal clear liquid, though with no exit. The Mojo Tree has set a timer to the child’s life. The water, with nowhere to go, will slowly fill the village, drowning all people within.

Not content with how slowly everything is going, the Mojo Tree tries to precipitate the child’s demise by sending him into a side-area, where he has enchanted a rock to roll around a square path. He places a prize at the end of the maze to allure and beguile the child. It works, and the child runs along and finds a sword. The experiment is going well. The child is surviving so far. Maybe too well? Sensing that the child is winning, the Mojo Tree calls him to his lair. But for what purpose…

- SERIOUSLY