My Mass Effect 2 Ramblings

[Arjahn]

I bought ME2 on the Steam Summer sale and decided to play it at 2 in the morning, which combined with Origin difficulties made me go into the game in a pretty negative mindset. I was playing and made some estute observations, which I relayed to a buddy of mine on Steam, my rambling conversation is below.

Note that I wrote all of this at 2:30 am so none of it is well written or edited or nothin', if it references a screenshot then find it on my screenshot page, or don't, I'm not a cop.

Spoiler

Arjahn: SO BIOWARE MADE A PC PORT OF A CONSOLE GAME
Presariov is now Online.
Arjahn: AND THEY RIPPED OUT ALL SEMBLENCE OF CONTROLLER SUPPORT
Arjahn: gg good game 10/10 -ign
Presariov: Why would you even do that?
Presariov: that seems kind of stupid of them
Arjahn: At this point, I'm convinced that EA is intentionally setting themselves up as a horrible company just for the noteriety
Presariov: I think they actually like people calling them assholes
Arjahn: Hooray, unskipable cutscenes
Presariov: unskipable cutscenes aare the worst
Arjahn: bro have you even played kingdom hearts
Presariov: no, does it have a lot of them?
Arjahn: Yup
Arjahn: Most notably, there's this one battle which is really frustrating and difficult
Arjahn: and if you die
Arjahn: you have to watch a three minute cutscene
Arjahn: again
Arjahn: evry time
Arjahn: *every
Presariov: jesus
Presariov: that's just bad game design
Arjahn: yeah the first game is a piece of crap
Arjahn: I love the second one
Arjahn: but god damn
Arjahn: ALSO
Arjahn: I LOVE WHEN A GAME GIVES ME DIALOGUE OPTIONS
Arjahn: AND THEN MY CHARACTER DOESN'T ACTUALLY SAY WHAT I CHOSE
Arjahn: AND IT HAS NO IMPACT ON THE EVENTS SURROUNDING ME
Arjahn: GOOD GAME
Arjahn: ILLUSION OF CHOICE gg
Arjahn: NOW A LOT OF NPCS I DON'T KNOW ARE DYING/IN DANGER
Arjahn: OH NO
Arjahn: GOSH
Presariov: Ha! maybe it's a metaphor or something
Arjahn: I AM SO IMMERSED IT HURTS
Arjahn: OK
Arjahn: This game does have one thing going for it
Arjahn: cool chair physics
Presariov: Chair physicss simulator 2015
Arjahn: dude
Arjahn: this dialouge tree
Arjahn: you have to see it
Arjahn: it's beautiful
Arjahn: http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/fi...=280816753
Arjahn: Also this guy is tapping so many buttons
Presariov: The man has important things to do with those buttons!
Arjahn: SSSSSSSHHHHHHH I'M BEING ENGAGED
Presariov: hah, those dialouge options though
Arjahn: why do they do this in games
Arjahn: OH MAN THE MAIN CHARACTER IS GONNA DIE
Arjahn: SERIOUSLY GUYS
Arjahn: WATCH OUT
Arjahn: HE'S TOAST
Arjahn: OH MAN THAT EXPLOSION
Arjahn: DEFINITLEY DEAD
Arjahn: 100% NOT GONNA BE REVIVED/RESCUED/GIVEN A ROBOCOP BODY
Presariov: BREAKING: Main character survives with no injuries
Arjahn: HUH how about that
Arjahn: The thing is, I've played the first hour of this game already
Arjahn: and this is a 10/10 GOTY
Arjahn: kinda deal
Arjahn: so why
Arjahn: in hell
Arjahn: does a kinda-modern award winning game otot
Arjahn: woah game glitched out
Arjahn: not let you skip cutscenes
Arjahn: OH YEAH WE CAN NAME HIM
Arjahn: BALLS SHEPARD IT IS
Arjahn: CAN'T WAIT FOR NOBODY TO EVER REFERENCE MY FIRST NAME
Presariov: THE NAME'S SHEPHARD. BALLS SHEPHARD.
Arjahn: i have to make him pretty :D
Presariov: ooh, Balls Shephard, you're so pretty!
Arjahn: is Balls pretty? http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/fi...=280819316
Presariov: Balls is magnificent! absolutely immaculate
Arjahn: I've been sitting here laughing at his eyes for five minutes
Arjahn: YOU CAN TILT THEM
Presariov: That goddamn expression XD
Arjahn: if one npc actually calls me balls during this entire game then I will gladly give you my car
Presariov: Commander Balls, reporting for duty!
Arjahn: I remember watching G4 jerk this game off like five years ago when I was thirteen or something
Arjahn: THEY DID NOT
Arjahn: THEY DID NOT MENTION COMMANDER BALLS BEING SAVED BY A CLOSE UP SHOT O' BOOBS
Arjahn: SHE SAYS THAT I DON'T HAVE TIME
Arjahn: I'M GONNA TEST THAT HYPOTHESIS
Presariov: BALLS WAS SAVED BY BOOBS
Presariov: /game
Arjahn: she's yelling at me to grab my peestol
Arjahn: I don't wanna
Arjahn: why don't all games start like that
Arjahn: Like legend of zelda, instead of exploring and finding your sword by naturally entering the only nearby cave
Arjahn: you know, game design
Arjahn: what if zelda just had a megaphone and shouted HEY LINK YOU SONOFABITCH, GRAB THAT SWORD!
Arjahn: then a floaty arrow pointed above the sword
Arjahn: and the game had a hud prompt telling you to grab the sword
Arjahn: ALSO THE MEAN LADY SAID THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT
Arjahn: AND I'VE BEEN WAITING
Arjahn: NOT SEEING ANY CONSEQUENCES
Arjahn: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Arjahn: good game 10/10
Arjahn: oh and I can't leave without grabbing the pistol
Presariov: There's no time to waste! well, there's some time. we don't need to be anywhere for a few hours actually
Arjahn: XD
Presariov: Take your time, Commander!
Arjahn: DUDE OH YEAH LOCKPICKING MINIGAME
Presariov: REVOLUTIONARY
Presariov: NO ONE'S EVER DONE THAT BEFORE!
Arjahn: it's just matching
Arjahn: Like that one game from kiddie times where you flip the cards over
Arjahn: and you have to match the
Arjahn: right ones
Arjahn: why would they even include that
Arjahn: what does that add to the game
Presariov: I hate those games
Arjahn: http://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561...9458324952
Presariov: He looks like he wants to have sexy times with that gun
Arjahn: why would anyone in the future use crappy holograms
Arjahn: It looks so much worse than just a monitor
Presariov: That's my problem with dead space
Presariov: all the holograms look like shit
Arjahn: I mean, I get that it's "ooooh sci fy neat!", but seriouly why would I want a crap quality image with film grain
Arjahn: Yep
Arjahn: good future
Arjahn: WHY IS IT FORCING ME TO HELP THIS GUY
Arjahn: I DON'T WANT TO
Arjahn: HE IS AN ASSHOLE WHO GOT SHOT
Arjahn: OH NO
Arjahn: I MEAN
Arjahn: I JUST SAW LIKE FIFTEEN OTHER DUDE I DON'T KNOW DIE
Arjahn: BUT YEAH LET'S RISK OUR LIVES AND THAT OH SO PRECIOUS TIME HELPING THIS PRICK
Presariov: HE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PRICK IN THE GALAXY, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?
Arjahn: The true strength of Mass Effect 2's story, however, is in how personal BioWare has made it
Arjahn: -ign
Arjahn: huh, well the game let's me be an asshole, right?
Arjahn: So why not leave this guy
Arjahn: ALMOST LIKE A MILITARY STRATEGY MAN GUY WOULD
Presariov: Commander Balls has not the time for your assholery!
Presariov: Now begone with you!
Arjahn: I wouldn't be giving this game so much shit if it didn't boast about how AMAZING INTERACTIVE STORY LINE DECISION-Y it is
Arjahn: THE GUY I JUST SAVED
Arjahn: WHO, BY THE WAY, FUCK HIM
Arjahn: JUST SAID "I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D SAVE ME"
Arjahn: I DIDN'T WANT TO DAMMIT THE GAME OVERLORD MADE ME
Presariov: SEE? Even he knows he's an asshole!
Arjahn: THIS GUY JUST SAID TO FORGET THE GIRL BECAUSE THERE'S NO CHANCE SHE'S STILL ALIVE
Arjahn: HE MADE A LOGICAL ARGUEMENT
Presariov: :O
Arjahn: I WILL BUY YOU A TIGER CUB IF THE GAME LET'S ME ACTUALY LEAVE HER
Arjahn: A MOTHERF*CKING TIGER CUB
Presariov: Awww, and I really wanted a Tiger. Oh well
Arjahn: Ok
Arjahn: This is dumb
Arjahn: the game wants me to blow up some explosive canisters to "clear the way"
Arjahn: OK FIRST OF ALL
Arjahn: THERE ARE LIKE FOUR BOXES
Arjahn: AND EVEN IF WE CAN'T MOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE "SUPER HEAVY"
Arjahn: THERE ARE TWO KNEE HIGH CRATES RIGHT NEXT TO THEM
Arjahn: SO THESE CELEBRATED MILITARY GENIUSES
Arjahn: ARE DECIDING
Presariov: Nope, totally insurmountable
Arjahn: "Hey, let's detonate some explosives THAT SHOULD BLOW UP THE F*CKING BRIDGE"
Arjahn: in a ship that's under attack
Arjahn: which is incredibly unstable
Arjahn: instead of jumping a little bit
Presariov: Yup, that alll sounds perfectly reasonable.
Arjahn: even though the game has already established that I can vault like spiderman
Arjahn: BUT WATCH OUT, THE REAL ENEMY OF THE FEDERATION IS TORN ACLs
Presariov: I know I carry c4 with me all the time in case a find a waist-high wall
Arjahn: The true strength of Mass Effect 2's story, however, is in how personal BioWare has made it
Arjahn: whoops forgot to copy
Arjahn: http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/fi...=280827743
Presariov: wtf, guys. You could literally just step over those
Arjahn: my guy is so pretty all of the time
Presariov: he's like a male super model
Arjahn: http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/fi...=280828230
Presariov: so dashing, so manly
Arjahn: dude all of these unlocking/hacking minigames are just matching
Arjahn: my phone is more secure than that
Presariov: No, you don't understand, it's HIGH TECH
Arjahn: SHE JUST SHOT THE DUDE I WANTED TO LET DIE
Arjahn: HUH
Arjahn: ALMOST LIKE WE COULD'VE HAD AN INTERACTIVE STORY MOMENT
Arjahn: IN THE INTRO LEVEL
Arjahn: WHERE MY STRATEGIC DECISION PANNED OUT
Arjahn: LEAVING ME TO START THE GAME WITH AN UNDERSTANDING OF ACTIONS HAVING CONSEQUENCES
Arjahn: BUT NOPE
Arjahn: GO TO THE ORANGE FLASHY ARROW
Presariov: That's the conveniant thing about the future. there's flashing signs telling you what to do at all times!
Arjahn: http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/fi...=280830475
Arjahn: Why though
Arjahn: I mean
Arjahn: Bioware has made games before without this much crap
Arjahn: KOTR is amazing
Arjahn: eh,whatever, this is just a stupid mandatory tutorial I guess
Arjahn: OH OK WE JUST GOT OFF THE SHIP
Arjahn: NOT LIKE I WANTED TO PLAY THROUGH THAT PART OR ANYTHING
Arjahn: MAYBE FIGHT THAT BIG ASS ROBOT THAT WAS KILLING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
Arjahn: YOU KNOW
Arjahn: AN ESTABLISHED ADVERSARY
Arjahn: nah
Arjahn: just fight twelve baby robots and watch cutscenes
Arjahn: http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/fi...=280831502
Presariov: Very heroic indeed
Presariov is now Away.
Arjahn: huh, this game got pretty good after the intro
Presariov: hahaha!