05-28-2013, 10:40 PM
I started writing a short story when I was in the eighth grade that was meant to be a satire of cheesy cop movies, and from there it sort of spiraled into a giant clusterfuck of random occurrences. Anyhow, I recently found the flash drive with the adventures on it and decided I'd upload them for the world to despise.
Also, note that I started this when I was 13, so the gramma aint no 'ceptional.
CHAPTER ONE: A LEGEND AROUSED, GET IT? LIKE A PENIS. (My god this is gonna be painful)
My name is Rex Malcom Thunderbolt, and I’m an ex-cop who was fired for forcing an intoxicated clown to chew off my left ear. I also have a telekinetic singing golden retriever, who plays sports!
Our story starts one day in my expensive beach house in Beverly Hills, California. I was minding my own business playing some children’s card games with a super model, when all of the sudden
WHAM! BANG! SOUND EFFECT IN BOLD TEXT!
A group of stealthy ninjas burst through my front door (counter intuitively) and drew their laser swords. I reacted by using my supermodel as a human shield, but, unannounced to them, she was actually a Robot supermodel from the future! Using her as a shield, I drew my 17 high caliber handguns from my utility belt and starting firing them at the ninjas, decapitating them one by one in a bloody mess of death and severed skulls. Upon shooting one, I discovered that the ninjas were actually animations forged out of magical taco shells! Spicy! I then realized that the only way I would be able to defeat them is by eating them alive. Using whats-her-boobs as a shield, I leaped onto the first one and began chewing him ravenously, but it turned out that only the one ninja was made from taco shell meat and that I was eating an actual human being.
I don’t care, still tasted great! Devouring another human being alive is a great way to release your stress!
But, as I was partaking in this endeavor (emphasis on the “Devor”), the evil cyborg terrorist Doctor George burst into the room, firing over 9000 lasers everywhere with the help of his taking rat companion, Doctor Octagonapus. As I tore my teeth through the sternum of nameless human ninja #17, My shield, I mean wife, was vaporized instantly by one of the beams! “NOOOO!” I screamed, and proceed to be shot 17,493 times in the chest.
I awoke in hell, as apparently eating another human being alive with your bear teeth (I surgically had a Bear whom I murdered with my bear hands’s jaw inserted into mine) was a sin. Satan approached me, laughing, and I felt like a turd that has been lying in a bird bath for months until a dog came, ate it, and died because you had poisonous shards of butterfly in your turd body, leading you to live the rest of your lonely turd days inside of the decomposing corpse of a puppy you murdered.
I did what I do best, and pounced on Satan, ripping his skull from his reddish body, drinking the blood like it was a 96 pack of Monster energy drink, which I insert rectally on a daily basis. After killing satan and masturbating all over his decrepit corpse, I proceeded to jump out of hell into Hawaii, where I spent a few weeks regaining my post-satan murdering strength and enjoying some lax shuffleboard escapades.
Also, note that I started this when I was 13, so the gramma aint no 'ceptional.
CHAPTER ONE: A LEGEND AROUSED, GET IT? LIKE A PENIS. (My god this is gonna be painful)
My name is Rex Malcom Thunderbolt, and I’m an ex-cop who was fired for forcing an intoxicated clown to chew off my left ear. I also have a telekinetic singing golden retriever, who plays sports!
Our story starts one day in my expensive beach house in Beverly Hills, California. I was minding my own business playing some children’s card games with a super model, when all of the sudden
WHAM! BANG! SOUND EFFECT IN BOLD TEXT!
A group of stealthy ninjas burst through my front door (counter intuitively) and drew their laser swords. I reacted by using my supermodel as a human shield, but, unannounced to them, she was actually a Robot supermodel from the future! Using her as a shield, I drew my 17 high caliber handguns from my utility belt and starting firing them at the ninjas, decapitating them one by one in a bloody mess of death and severed skulls. Upon shooting one, I discovered that the ninjas were actually animations forged out of magical taco shells! Spicy! I then realized that the only way I would be able to defeat them is by eating them alive. Using whats-her-boobs as a shield, I leaped onto the first one and began chewing him ravenously, but it turned out that only the one ninja was made from taco shell meat and that I was eating an actual human being.
I don’t care, still tasted great! Devouring another human being alive is a great way to release your stress!
But, as I was partaking in this endeavor (emphasis on the “Devor”), the evil cyborg terrorist Doctor George burst into the room, firing over 9000 lasers everywhere with the help of his taking rat companion, Doctor Octagonapus. As I tore my teeth through the sternum of nameless human ninja #17, My shield, I mean wife, was vaporized instantly by one of the beams! “NOOOO!” I screamed, and proceed to be shot 17,493 times in the chest.
I awoke in hell, as apparently eating another human being alive with your bear teeth (I surgically had a Bear whom I murdered with my bear hands’s jaw inserted into mine) was a sin. Satan approached me, laughing, and I felt like a turd that has been lying in a bird bath for months until a dog came, ate it, and died because you had poisonous shards of butterfly in your turd body, leading you to live the rest of your lonely turd days inside of the decomposing corpse of a puppy you murdered.
I did what I do best, and pounced on Satan, ripping his skull from his reddish body, drinking the blood like it was a 96 pack of Monster energy drink, which I insert rectally on a daily basis. After killing satan and masturbating all over his decrepit corpse, I proceeded to jump out of hell into Hawaii, where I spent a few weeks regaining my post-satan murdering strength and enjoying some lax shuffleboard escapades.
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Spoiler![[Image: 4746.jpg]](http://chickencrap.com/media_images/4746.jpg)