Well, back on DYKG, I had started a walkthrough of one of the best-known games of all time, and a game that I had never played - Ocarina of Time. I posted 4-5 chapters before being overrun by my edumacation. I'm planning on starting this again at the end of April when this semester finishes, but until then, I'll post a chapter each week for those who haven't read it before. If you're really interested, the other chapters can be found on DYKG.

So without further ado - "SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time"

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- Episode 1 -

I’ve got to say that I’m not happy. I boot up the game, then the little intro movie starts. I watch Link faff around on his horse for about five minutes galloping through a field, stopping by a babbling brook for no apparent reason before taking off again. Then he arrives at some sort of castle and the sliding wooden door opens. Who is it going to be? Maybe a secondary character? Perhaps some random villager, coming to greet me? WRONG. I’m met with the biggest goddamn spoiler of any pre-game intro A.K.A. bloody Ganondorf, whisking Zelda away on horseback. Thanks.
To be fair, this is a Zelda game so chances are she’s going to get kidnapped by Gammondorf at some point. But still, it’s like starting a Star Wars movie with a complete run-down of the Skywalker family tree. So, slightly annoyed, I create a new character and boom I’m thrown into the world of LoZ.

I think that the makers of OoT took “How to make a character seem like a wet flannel 101.” I start the game thinking “hell yeah, I’m Link, I’m here to crush evil with my sword and shield, and various other things I find along the way". Nope. I’m greeted with “Your character sucks so much, he hasn’t been deemed worthy of having a fairy. Sorry,” followed by a nauseating first-person fly around by the thing I expect to become that “hey listen” fairy I’ve heard so much about. If Link’s about to get a fairy, I sure bloody well hope it’s not this one. We’re treated to the worst display of aerial manoeuvrability ever, with our character running into objects such as a mesh gate, when going in a straight line would have been just fine.

And of course, the damn thing comes into Link’s house (breaking and entering may I add), and tries to wake him up. Link is obviously not ready to give up any of the 20 fucks he was attributed at birth, and keeps sleeping. Unfortunately for him, fairy-thing doesn’t seem to understand and pesters him until he finally snaps out of his reverie.

What we then get is a brief monologue along the lines of “you must go see the Arbre Mojo” (bear in mind I’m playing in French, so names and such will not be given in English). And Link, seemingly too imbecilic to ask 1. Who are you, 2. Why did you break into my house, 3. I’m going to need a bit more information before going to see a tree called “Mojo.”, just thinks “seems legit” and runs outside, only to be hailed by some condescending blonde elf-person who goes “Ohhh you got a fairy, well done, now go do stuff.” SUBTEXT – “Oh wow, you’re no longer a total outcast; now go away, I don’t want to see your face.” This last point further proved by the fact that she just stands there, smiling at you until you do actually go away.

That smile is one of both derision, and pity

At this point, I hear my first real “HEY.” Right, little fairy-thing, what do you want? “GO SEE THE ARBRE MOJO.” No REALLY!? Apparently Link also suffers from short-term memory loss. This is further proved by the fact that every time I speak to someone, they repeat the same thing, as if they expected me to forget “I can’t lift these rocks.” Lift your own goddamn rocks…

I don't know who this "Mido" is, but you, Sir, are his bitch

After running around Kakariko village for a bit, I gleaned that I need to find a sword and shield. (EDIT - I've been made aware that it's actually Kokiri Village and that my memory rivals that of young Link) I learnt this from some self-righteous prick who seems to think that Link can’t fight for himself. This dude just side-shuffles in a very precise semi-circle, totally ignoring the fact that I’ve been summoned by a sentient tree called Mojo in order to save the world.

So I run around, until I meet condescending elf-person number 6 inside the general store. At this point, I’ve realised that Link is not only an apparent simpleton to whom the most idiotic fairy has been allocated, but incredibly poor. As in ‘can’t even buy a wooden shield’ poor. A wooden shield. In a forest. A forest made of trees. Surely he can just cut down a tree and hew it roughly into the shape of a shield? No? Fine. So I talk to condescending elf-thing number 6, who tells me something that has nothing to do with anything even remotely useful before giving up and going back out in search for a sword, ignoring bitch elf-person number 1 with his rocks. After much searching, I crawl into a tunnel, and into physics Wonderland. Seriously though, who thought it would be a good idea to have a boulder charging around in a village populated by children...

0.2 seconds before OoT's sequel - Legend of Zelda, Link's Awakening in an ICU

So I have my sword, and my first dndndndndundundundundundundundunduunduunduunduun DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN. Yeah, you took a sword from an unlocked chest. Link obviously has low expectations of himself. He even turns to the camera as if to say “Look daddy, I found a sword. Are you proud of me?” No Link. I’ll be proud of you when you learn to speak. You’re currently going all Freeman on the world. That’s why you have no friends.

I leave the tunnel, and am back into Kakariko Village – which is a strange name, because in French, cockerels go “cocorico”, or “Kokoriko” if you will. So basically I live in Cock Village. Excellent. I run around with my new sword hacking at grass, feeling like a badass, and I see a sign. I read it and it says “please do not slash the signs.” Now there’s your problem. The idea hadn’t even come to my mind until you mentioned it. Cue 5 minute sign genocide. A genocide that isn’t helped by the fact that I keep finding blue crystal-things behind them. Way to positively reinforce Link’s anti-social aggressive tendencies. That’ll get him some more friends.

Fuck the system

So I finally have my 40 crystal-things so I go back to the d-bag who won’t give the shield I need to save the world for free. DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!! I have a shiiieeeeld!! No Link. I still don’t respect you.

Creepy Link, condescending elf-person number 6, and d-bag

And here I am; sword and shield equipped – ready to go meet the dubiously named “Mojo.” But that’s for another day – I think I’ve already typed enough for now.

Next episode - Why Kakariko Village is a logistic, societal, and infrastructural hell-hole.

- SERIOUSLY

This is really cool, I can never decide if I like this game more than Wind Waker, but seeing it in this humorous light might just tip the scales.

YES WOO! IT RETURNS! XD I reading these episodes. We never got an Episode 5 though. Don't be a Gabe+2 :(

This was really funny! I can't wait for more!

One thing I should point out, though: the first village isn't Kakariko Village, it's Kokiri Village.

(03-17-2013, 08:45 AM)lividd3ad Wrote: This was really funny! I can't wait for more!

One thing I should point out, though: the first village isn't Kakariko Village, it's Kokiri Village.

Well, to be frank, Kakariko is the first village technically as the first area is Kokiri Forest

(03-17-2013, 08:45 AM)lividd3ad Wrote: This was really funny! I can't wait for more!

One thing I should point out, though: the first village isn't Kakariko Village, it's Kokiri Village.

Yeah, someone had pointed that out last time, but I forgot to edit. I've added an edit :)

YAY!
Thank goodness you are bringing this back!

(03-17-2013, 08:47 AM)Jordiebee Wrote:

(03-17-2013, 08:45 AM)lividd3ad Wrote: This was really funny! I can't wait for more!

One thing I should point out, though: the first village isn't Kakariko Village, it's Kokiri Village.

Well, to be frank, Kakariko is the first village technically as the first area is Kokiri Forest

Ah, it is indeed. Meh, close enough!

(03-17-2013, 09:43 AM)lividd3ad Wrote:

(03-17-2013, 08:47 AM)Jordiebee Wrote:

(03-17-2013, 08:45 AM)lividd3ad Wrote: This was really funny! I can't wait for more!

One thing I should point out, though: the first village isn't Kakariko Village, it's Kokiri Village.

Well, to be frank, Kakariko is the first village technically as the first area is Kokiri Forest

Ah, it is indeed. Meh, close enough!

It just gives me more opportunities to say "cock village" *childish giggle*

Woo!

I need a good laugh! This is so well written! I can't wait for MOAR!

YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(03-18-2013, 08:34 AM)Beware of Cuccos Wrote: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awww yes !

I'll be uploading an episode every week or so, then by the time I've caught up where I was up to, I'll be in a position to start writing again :)

(03-18-2013, 06:21 PM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:

(03-18-2013, 08:34 AM)Beware of Cuccos Wrote: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IT'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awww yes !



I'll be uploading an episode every week or so, then by the time I've caught up where I was up to, I'll be in a position to start writing again :)

YOU DAMN TEASE!
That's why I love ya.

Here's a little aside before Episode 2

- Episode 1.bis -

Before I go off to find Mojo the tree, I think we need to take a look at what seems to be the most terrible excuse for a settlement – Kokiri Village/Forest.

From the Kokiri Bored of Tourism (pun intended)

I say this because in my gameplay thus far, I’ve started having my doubts about this village, diving deeper into the sombre secret at its heart. But first – what made me start to think this ? Answer – EVERYTHING.

Inhabitants - First of all, let’s take a look at the inhabitants – We have Creepy Link, Side-Shuffling Douche, that condescending one who just smiles at you until you bugger off, the other side-shuffling douche, Grass-Bitch, Stone-Bitch, Know-It-All 1, Know-It-All 2, Girl on top of the pillar, Girl above the entrance to the store, Generic Elf-Person Number 5, Generic Elf-Person Number 6, and D-Bag the Storekeeper. So far so good.

Hey ! Listen ! Press Z, then B for a nutshot

The problem arises when you realise that everyone in the village, apart from D-Bag, seems to be a goddamn child. Now either I’m missing something, or Kokiri Village has gone all Pokémon World War and murdered everyone’s parents. We can only assume that D-Bag is some kind of leader, trying to keep the kiddies in check with his store, teaching them the basics of economics. Which brings me to my next point…

We'll see who's smiling when I get the sling-shot...

Economics – What is this village’s economy based on? How do the kiddies pay for the goods in the store? The answer – they don’t. Through a scarcity of valid currency (seriously, there is about a total of 10 green crystal things in all the houses combined), and the fact that new currency seems to pop out of grass when you slash it (I found about 40 crystal things in under 5 minutes), the village is obviously undergoing staggering hyperinflation fuelled by the lack of competition in local commerce. D-Bag’s store is the only one. He holds a monopoly and can therefore set his price to whatever he bloody well pleases. Let’s take a tangible example – Inside Side-Shuffling Douche’s house, I found three green crystals. What can you buy with three green crystals ? NOTHING. The cheapest item is a “Bâton Deku [stick]” and a heart, both at 10 crystals.

The only item that seems somewhat edible is the “Noix Deku [nut]”, five of which will cost you 15 crystals. So essentially, S-S D’s wealth will buy him whole Deku Nut. That’s it. He has no apparent source of income (indeed he seems to be using slavery to get things done as we can see with Grass-Bitch and Stone-Bitch) and is supposed to survive on a Deku Nut. Hold that thought in your head. I’ll be using it for my grand final theory.

This has a very Soviet Russia vibe to it... Also I should probably start calling the crystal things "Rubis"

Infrastructure – Look at Link’s house. Look at it.

LOOK

What do you see? If you answered “bugger all”, gold star. He has a wooden bed, a wooden table, and wooden seats. Oh, let’s not forget the water-bowl-thing. The only things of note are the weapons he seems to have on his wall. A butcher’s knife, two tridents, and a several hoes. Hey ! That must meen that Kokiri lives off agriculture, right? WRONG. There is not a single patch of tilled land to be seen. Only grass. So what do these people eat? I have no idea. If these kiddies can’t eat, they’re not meant to live long (hold that thought in your head).

Surrounded by knives and hoes...

At least they have water. Or do they? All I see is a waterfall and a long pool of water with no discernible output. This isn’t fresh, flowing water that the kiddies can drink – it’s a stagnant pool that keeps getting filled. Stagnant water breeds pestilence, children, especially now that Link’s fallen into it about five hundred times whilst trying to jump over those ridiculous platforms. So rising, stagnant waters? Not very good for long-term survival, amiright? (keep that thought in your head).

Then we have the issue of unemployment. Throughout the whole village we have one person with a regular job – D-Bag (unless you count S-S D’s slave trade of course). That puts the unemployment rate at 92.3%. Oh dear. That’s not going to stimulate the economy. No economy (yes, back to the economy) = no society. No society = anarchy. Not very good for long-term survival. (keep that thought in your head). “But, this is a video-game, and these are children enjoying life!” you say? No. I deal with science and this is not scientifically sound.

Link discovers gravity

Long-term survival of the village – From the lack of food, to the lack of population (in the best case scenario, they’ll be forced to inbreed at the 4th generation). From the lack of economy, to the lack of infrastructure. It’s obvious that this village is not meant to last. But what if that was meant to be?

Grand Theorem - Kokiri Village is hiding a dark secret, a secret I have finally managed to elucidate. Hear me out. The Mojo Tree, bored with its monotonous existence, decided to play a little social experiment. He created a village, populated it with automatons, set to repeat the same words and actions for ever more. There is no viable economy, genealogy, or infrastructure. That is because the Mojo Tree doesn’t expect his experiment to last more than a few days. He then has a small child kidnapped by D-Bag, wipes its memory, and places it in this village. Unfortunately it seems that the child did not take well to the chloroform used to kidnap it and has had an allergic reaction. Mojo Tree, sensing that his experiment may end before it’s even begun sends in one of his fallen faeries to wake him from his quasi-eternal slumber.

We’re not given a back-story to the child, or this so-called Kokiri village. That’s because there is none. Mojo Tree creates, and Mojo Tree controls. His plan? To toy with this child, until the child perishes. He places automaton guards at the each exit, programmed to shuffle across a very precise semi-circle. He places various other automatons to tell the child what to do, guiding him along to the next death-trap. Unfortunately many of the automatons malfunction and talk gibberish – “Press Z, then A to do an attack”. The child is still under the effects of the chloroform and stumbles blindly through this world, without noticing and trying to find an exit. Walking forward, he falls into a pool of water. A waterfall is slowly filling the pool with the crystal clear liquid, though with no exit. The Mojo Tree has set a timer to the child’s life. The water, with nowhere to go, will slowly fill the village, drowning all people within.

Not content with how slowly everything is going, the Mojo Tree tries to precipitate the child’s demise by sending him into a side-area, where he has enchanted a rock to roll around a square path. He places a prize at the end of the maze to allure and beguile the child. It works, and the child runs along and finds a sword. The experiment is going well. The child is surviving so far. Maybe too well? Sensing that the child is winning, the Mojo Tree calls him to his lair. But for what purpose…

- SERIOUSLY