Official "Beware of Cuccos" Lore Thread

[CosmykTheDolfyn]

How's this for a contiuation:

Cuccos sat on her throne. Or call it a throne. Try a rusted lawn chair out in this heat. But, it DID have a TWO cup holders, both occupied. Nothing to help one think about the next target like a bottle of scotch AND a dark lager. Ok, maybe that was a really bad combo. But, it was a looooooonnnng day.

She had to return these forums to sanity. It was her only dream. But, HOW can an insane person cause sanity to be brought about? She took another healthy swallow of scotch, and then followed the firewater down with the lager. Bad combo, long day, etc etc etc...

She pet her chicken very comfortably. It was such a cute little guy, hard to believe he was so deadly. His eyes were the calm blue at this moment in time...
But not allcould be so calm. A shadow, a ghost, was lingering.

And he was coming ever closer as she pushed the call button for Hexadecimal. She needed the power to wipe it all out and restart....

Miles away, the demented doctor was hard at work. JiraiyaSannin was healed up enough to get out of the hospital. Check that, bust his way out of high security and out the 10th window of the hospital while still missing a leg and a mouth. He was tired of playing middle man, and he only knew one man who could understand mechanics so well as to understand the power of those Cuccos... And he wanted that power for himself.

BumbleBeeCody was beyond just an insane scientist, he was the most wanted man in all of Factland. He didn't make any bones about it. Heck, he still wore the handcuffs and the striped shirt because he was so proud of his cruel experimentation on both man and beast. And Jiraiya had sought him out.

After it was said and done, who could no what was the man and what was the machine. A retractable sword arm, a leg with an AK-47 attachment, a radar detection system jaw. Jiraiya needed a new identity so as not to be recognized. He was now Ken. Simply Ken. And he was going to become Cuccos personal assistant, per little brother's request.

[Arjahn]

(Please for the sake of plot tell me that you're not serious about the AK-47 leg)
Oh, and for future reference, parts in italics are editors notes not to be taken as part of the actual story. Also, language follows, so MAN UP YA LITTLE BASTARD. Also, I'm exaggerating everything and making crap up for the sake of the plot, don't be offended by anything you read, I still love you all.
Except for Xannidel, screw that guy, amirite?

ALSO, and this is official forum canon, SERIOUSLY THOUGH can only talk in rhymes.


SERIOUSLY THOUGH was enjoying a nice year-old cup of tea he had found on the ground when Raiden Blackwood smashed through his beloved doorway. "That was my favorite door you treacherous whore." he said, followed by a cliche yet nonetheless bad ass chair swivel to face his new guest.
After the Zombie Riot incident occurred, SERIOUSLY had not gotten off as easily as the rest. You see, Zombie Riot wasn't usually too evil, he used to be a respected moderator back in the glory days of VGFacts and even in the ancient times of the elder forum. He was part of a triad, Zombie Riot, SERIOUSLY THOUGH and BumblebeeCody, moderators of the land, their jobs were to keep order and tranquility in the forums. The problem with order is that too much can drive a man out of order, into the cold, child molesting hands of insanity.
Zombie had snapped, lashing out viciously and causing massive rifts between other users and himself. Cody, SERIOUSLY's friend and ally, tried to stop it, but Zombie just ended up driving him insane. SERIOUSLY THOUGH himself barely made it out of the rampage alive, his body gave out after it had taken too much damage. At that point, the only thing he could think about was the good old days, when he talked about trivia with his friends and had a small Asian child take off sunglasses over dramatically. That single happy thought kept him going, he crawled as miserably and painfully as anyone has ever crawled to the nearest forum machine and posted an S.O.S. That's when the new moderators came into the picture.
After everything had blown over, Hexadecimal and Beware of Cuccos were the new kids on the street, and everyone was focusing on them, even going to lengths to post fake stories of their heroic exploits (SHIT THAT'S META). SERIOUSLY's broken body had recovered after a while, and he had gotten out of the hospital a few days after the Beardy hit. He had a roommate in there, but apparently his mouth and lower jaw had been ravaged by some monster or something, so there wasn't much discussion on that front.
Now he sat in his moderator's chair in the ruins of the Locked section of the Elder Forum, or as it was known in its time, the Did You Know Gaming forums. After everything and everyone had been converted to VGFacts, this old place died out and was eventually shut down. He had come here to see if he could find any remnants of the old days, all he had managed to pick up so far was the original thread, the Locked thread wherein one user posted "First" and was promptly shunned by the entire population, his name lost, a relic of ages past. The only other thing he saw was the doorway, and now even that was gone, just like everyone he ever loved.
"Dammit man, knock that rhyming shit off! We gotta get you to safety!" Raiden said, he was a tall man with a dark, luxurious beard. It's rumored that if his beard is destroyed, so is his life force. "Who would want me, as decrepit as I be?" SERIOUSLY responded, only muttering quietly in forced rhymes. "SHE would want you, and she would want your head on a fucking stick, so let's move!" he replied, his nervousness was apparent from his worried facial expression and the puddle underneath him that wasn't there when he came in.

"Who is this SHE, and why might she want me?" SERIOUSLY replied, his swollen face darkening with each syllable. "The old lady with the chickens, she's going mad man, after the Beardy hit she just started killing everyone. Berry's out, Jiraiya showed up in an alleyway without even a fucking mouth left, and now she's coming for you." he said, now holding his pistol to the door, waiting for someone to try to sneak in. "How do you know FohShnickity Mo?" SERIOUSLY questioned, slowly meandering towards the door. "DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST USE FOUR-TIME GRAMMY WINNING ARTIST FOHSHNICKITY IN YOUR FORCED FUCKING RHYME? Dammit man, I've got a guy working with Lightmatt, and he says that SHE came by asking for information on you, now I'll answer your questions later, let's move!"
And with that, they left the old forum for one last time. Scanning the sky as the walked out, Raiden let out a sigh of relief. "Good, that old bag hasn't found us yet, we gotta get to safety." he said, pulling up his motorized tricycle and sitting SERIOUSLY THOUGH in the sidecar with a majestic sky dolphin painted on it. As they pulled out, one very specific Cucco watched them, perched atop the Clocktower. "It's nearly time." he said, apparently to himself.
"Activate the countdown."

Also, I'm gonna reserve the character of Cody for future reference if ya'll don't mind.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

ALSO, and this is official forum canon, SERIOUSLY THOUGH can only talk in rhymes.

[Beautiful literature]

Also, I'm gonna reserve the character of Cody for future reference if ya'll don't mind.

It's posts like this that make me want the return of post-rep, got tears of laughter in mine eyes.

[Arjahn]

ALSO, and this is official forum canon, SERIOUSLY THOUGH can only talk in rhymes.

[Beautiful literature]

Also, I'm gonna reserve the character of Cody for future reference if ya'll don't mind.

It's posts like this that make me want the return of post-rep, got tears of laughter in mine eyes.

D'aw, just hug it out, bitch.

[CosmykTheDolfyn]

(Please for the sake of plot tell me that you're not serious about the AK-47 leg)
Oh, and for future reference, parts in italics are editors notes not to be taken as part of the actual story. Also, language follows, so MAN UP YA LITTLE BASTARD. Also, I'm exaggerating everything and making crap up for the sake of the plot, don't be offended by anything you read, I still love you all.
Except for Xannidel, screw that guy, amirite?

I don't know, I was quite tired and had just seen a good family friend break down in tears when I wrote that. It was a long day. The leg is a little much, but I still like the radar jaw and sword arm...

More story:

Jiraiya got gang green, and the AK-47 leg had to be removed. BumbleBeeCody had re-attached some regular prosthetic now, but it was an incredibly strong shield. Perhaps as strong as the Cuccos skin.

[Ghost Nappa]

I wonder If Petie will get a role in this.

[retrolinkx]

Should be made into a film with Hanz Zimmer as composer.

[Arjahn]

I wonder If Petie will get a role in this.

Don't worry, it's almost his time to shine.

Should be made into a film with Hanz Zimmer as composer.

I was actually thinking about that earlier, Imma start posting accompanying scores to each chapter now. Here's for the last one:

[Psychospacecow]

Looking down at the situation still, a certain space cow felt rather ill, for chaos had been sown whilst he'd been away, and all without him having stay. "Was it not my job to cause such chaos? Was it not my job to activate this mental haze? After all, I'm the insane extraterrestrial rib eye. Why does it seem now as I'm the only one sane?" were his thoughts as he took to his gaze. Really, for him, it was all quite a daze. "Maybe, Cuccos will know what is up." he said to himself as he approached the chaotic muck. After all, she had been so close, or maybe Nappa, though he was a ghost.

(I wanna be involved. ):<)

[Hexadecimal*]

...I'm not sure if it's because of this thread, or if because I have a few screws loose, but I heard this song today and it made me think of Cuccos and myself:

[Arjahn]

CHAPTER 43 - DEM CHASE SCENES

Raiden and SERIOUSLY THOUGH were riding over the overpass now in Raiden's motorized tricycle, Raiden still wary of possible observers, SERIOUSLY sitting in the sidecar, mumbling something about oranges unintelligibly. The tricycle, while fast, was noticeably loud, the engine was spitting pixels everywhere. "Piece of shit," Raiden grumbled in a grumbled fashion "I'm prayin' to space cow that this thing holds together until we get to the compound, how're you hanging in?" SERIOUSLY mumbled something about bananas now, moving up in the fruit-tier ladder. "Dammit man, why do you always talk in those stupid fucking rhymes anyways?" Raiden asked, obviously irritated with the absurdity of it. SERIOUSLY snapped at this point, not mentally or as severely as the other mods, but nonetheless he snapped at his driver. "Why, why do I bear this curse? It's is because of that HAG and her filthy fucking purse! That monster and her warped bag of tricks, never removing those chickeny kicks. SHE caused this atrocity, SHE's ravaged this city! She needs to be stopped, she needs to be banned, Her head to be lopped and her ass too be canned!" he screamed, disorienting Raiden and almost causing a tricycle accident on the bridge. "Shit man, quiet down, they might hear you!" he respond, but it was too late.

The roar could be heard from miles away, at first it was only a few bloodcurdling screeches, then they turned into thousands. An enormous wave of the most ungodly, primal screams you've ever heard. Then the shock wave, looking behind him, Raiden saw one of the most horrifying sights he'd ever seen. An enormous flock of Cuccos flying towards them at breakneck speeds down the bridge. "Shit!" Raiden exclaimed, "Keep low and brace for impact!" SERIOUSLY barely heeded this information in time, ducking just as a Cucco whizzed right over his head. There were Cuccos coming from the sides at this time in addition to the massive wave straight behind them, Cuccos from every corner of the city were flocking to them, SERIOUSLY had become a beacon (OH THE PUNS) for the entire species. "It's right over the brid--- SHIT!" Raiden yelled.

The bridge had been sliced, a clean cut right through the center, and the compound was on the other side. At this point, I find it wise to inform the reader that this bridge was a good 126 feet above ground in the city, and decrepit as it was, it had held up without issue for years. Someone cut this massive concrete bridge on purpose.

There was a diagonal piece of plywood facing the gap. "Hold on man!" Raiden screamed, the Cuccos gaining on them. Lining up his tricycle to the ramp, he charged it at full speed, screaming something akin to "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGGGGGGG" while approaching it, launching his magical friendship bike over the gap, steering them to safety within the shelter and enjoying a nice s'mores upon arrival.

Hah, I'm just messing with you, no they missed. Horribly.

Raiden HAD successfully launched his scooter off of the plank, but for those of you without a comprehension of the basic laws of physics, in a nutshell, they don't work like this.

They smashed into the ground, thankfully the tricycle's Ford Patented safety bubble™ prevented

the impact from obliterating their spinal cords on impact. That being said, Raiden's legs were in no condition to walk, and SERIOUSLY had to drag him out of the wreckage.

They were under the bridge now, SERIOUSLY had hid with Raiden inside of a dark sewer grate, laying Raiden's body in the shit stream on the ground next to him, letting him soak in the wonderful flavor rest.

This was all happening while Jiraiya was walking nearby, he preferred to stick to the low ground ever since the incident, since Cuccos mainly preferred to patrol the skies. His new implants allowed him to sense Tricycles in danger from miles away, so he was able to find the crash, and with the trail of urine, find Raiden and SERIOUSLY hiding in the gutter.

SERIOUSLY saw him come in, this cyborg without a fucking mouth, and showed little reaction. He recognized him as Jiraiya from the earlier days of the forum, and figured that if this guy was going to kill them, he would've done it already. Jiraiya just sat there looking at them for a while, then SERIOUSLY let out a chuckle. "You were my roommate, weren't you chick-bait?" he said, now laughing audibly. The joke wasn't even that good, and he knew it, but dammit the coincidental nature of it was palatable. Jiraya started chuckling at this too, or at least his horrific, mouthless version of a chuckle. Even Raiden, barely conscious, started cracking up. Everyone was laughing now, seriously, it was hilarious, he happened to get a roomate who happened to be an old friend who happened to track them down to their very hiding spot! It was a riot!

"Wait a sec, what the feck." SERIOUSLY THOUGH suddenly said, all traces of humor gone from his expression. "This isn't right, this is too much, someone's here to fight, and he doesn't drive clutch." "What do *COUGH SOUND EFFECT* you mean, man?" Raiden managed, still in terrible pain , but awake nonetheless. "It's too perfect, too clean, something here is mean. He found us, he did, in this remote sewer of horse sid. Someone wanted us all here, oh dear, oh dear." SERIOUSLY managed, crawling towards the grate. Trying to re-open it, unsuccessfully. "Oh crap, Jiraiya activated the trap." SERIOUSLY said again, as a pair of yellow, mechanical eyes became visible through the darkness in the back of the sewer. "Who, who wanted us in this very spot, just so all of us could get shot?" He struggled again as the eyes grew in intensity.

"Sir Petie?" A short guy in spandex nervously asked after entering an office high rise. "Yes retrolink, what is it?" The figure responded, puffing on a cigar as he did "The... the three are all ready, shall we begin the extraction?" retrolink said, shaking even more nervously in preparation for the answer.

"Yes, begin the procedure, we need that specimen before she can get her stinky chicken-licking hands on him." Petie answered, looking out of the window of Petie Brand Bridge Explosives, Remote Sewer Grate Maintenance and Light Sundries™

EL FIN

[JiraiyaSennin]

It's coming along so well.

[Raiden Blackwood]

I'm happy with my part in the lore. Tis beautiful. *Single manly tear*

[Petie]

I have no idea what my role is in this yet but I am apparently a knight and I own an awesome (if not ridiculously specific) company so I'm content :D

[MexicanAnime]

How did I never see this thread before.