SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[Xannidel]

It gets more awkward when OTHER enemies in later dungeons wanna get inseminated by the Mojo Tree's sperm.

Nice job as always SERIOUSLY.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

It gets more awkward when OTHER enemies in later dungeons wanna get inseminated by the Mojo Tree's sperm.

Nice job as always SERIOUSLY.

Mojo Tree is going to have a lot of child support to pay...

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

Seeing as my laptop is currently out of order, this weeks episode is hereby postponed.

Here's a gif of a kitten as compensation.

[gamemaster1991]

Seeing as my laptop is currently out of order, this weeks episode is hereby postponed.

Here's a gif of a kitten as compensation.

No. I don't want a kitten. I want the next episode. Give me the next... the next.... the.... AWWWWW he is sooo cute.

No seriously, this is a cool series. I can wait for a wile. Does make me want to play Zelda again. Nice job on both accounts.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

I'm back on the boat ! This one's educational.

- Episode 4 -

Noooow this is the story all about how Link’s life got flipped-turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how Link got tricked into getting rid of Mojo-tree’s STD. No, seriously. Hear me out.

One thing that irks me about Zelda games is that the place where you save is NEVER the place where you load. I saved my game at the top of Mojo’s insides, ready to go all Assassin’s Creed and dive into the web. When I load up – Oh hey ! I’m back at the bottom… I’ve got to fight my way past all the creepy-crawlies to get back to my high perch.

Nulla è reale, tutto è lecito

Alright… let’s do this. FOR HYRUUUUU-shitshitshitshitshitIshouldhaveaimed*CRUNCH*.

Woops. Well that’s Hyrule screwed - Link will most likely never walk again. Oh wait, he’s just flashing red. Way to give kids a realistic view of the world, Nintendo. Fair enough, the game would be terrible if at every long fall, Link dies and the cartridge self-combusts, but it would teach the kiddies an important lesson : “‘Screw you.’ Sincerely; Gravity, Science, and Life.”

Second time works a charm and Link slices through the web and into… Oh dear... If that was Mojo’s abdomen, that means I’m going into his…

Oh the metaphorical implications…

Splash ! Right into Mojo’s ready-to-be-processed waste, awww yeah. Walking around for a while lets me know that the only way forward is through a door behind a spider’s web. “But how do I go through the spider’s web?” shout all the little kiddies whose attention span and memory capacities rival that of a biscuit. Luckily, good ol’ Nintendo has hidden a chest. Behind a web. Next to a torch. The fire of which you can harness with one of those plant-styx. (Talk about spoon-feeding the player.) After the blatant reminder that wood+fire=torch. Link goes all Braveheart and runs at the web (totally disregarding the fact that using his sword would have, once again, been a perfectly acceptable alternative).

Mojo should really see an arborist about this, rather than let a kid run around with a flaming piece of wood

So it’s out of the waste management room, and straight into the waste processing one. As soon as Link enters, Mojo once again plays the perfect host to the only person who can save the world and locks him in a room with an enemy hell-bent on shooting Mojo’s balls at him. Luckily, Link has already beaten one of these buggers so he quickly despatches (fun fact – can also be spelt ‘dispatch’) it, ready to give the killer blow. But lo ! The bugger speaks out ! Will it tell me to go where the sun don’t shine ? Will it let out a final battle-cry to warn it’s fellows ? Nope. It promptly commits treason and betrays his comrades, telling me that I have to beat them in a certain order (because apparently I’m fighting an army of OCD hazelnuts).

For some reason, Link spares the traitornut’s life and proceeds to the next room where WHAT IN THE HELL ?

There is no caption for this

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can now say that I’ve evacuated Mojo’s bowels – because to get to the next room, you have to get rid of the pent up waste by swimming through the bloody thing to press the release button. This is the most surreal, post-modern gaming experience I’ve had in my life… It has so much subtext and hidden meaning it could be written into a play. Legend of Zelda – Link saves the world (but first he must swim through Mojo’s urine to prove himself). I’d go watch it.

Through the room Link goes, killing yet another of those big spinning spiders. In the next room, we have the now very well understood fire-styx-web conundrum. Link sets fire to his styx like a boss, burns down the web like a boss, and vanquishes the enemy within (also like a boss) before going on to… oh, never mind. Dead end.

Oh look, a visual analogy of Link’s life so far

After that brief moment of embarrassment, Link goes on to what I can only guess is Mojo’s sphincter ani externus (do not Google Image that).

The “world destruction” option is looking more and more tempting

There’s something off about all of this. As a “test of valour”, Mojo is having Link travel through his body, killing pests and cleaning up webs. Perhaps there’s something he hasn’t been telling poor Link like “I have diseased bowels. Clean plz.” Hmmm, probably just a paranoid delusion…
Anyway, now Link is faced with three of these OCD-hazelnut chappies. Time to put traitornut’s info to good use. After easily beating the three in the correct order, Link confronts the final one; the ultimate barrier of protection for the queen, the last hope of his species. Will it tell me to go where the sun don’t shine ? Will it let out a final battle-cry to warn it’s fellows ? Nope. It promptly commits treason and betrays his queen, telling me her one weakness, condemning their very existence. But… what did he say ? I must beat a queen called “Gohma” ? SO NOW THE TRUTH IS KNOWN. Mojo tree has contracted Gohmarrhea and unleashed evil Ganon onto the world to find an excuse to call on someone stupid enough to be tricked into ridding his bowels of infection under the premise of the aforementioned “test of valour.” Well damn. I’ve already figured out the plot. Hmmm, I’ve come this far, I might as well get this over with. Off I go, to beat Gohma and make Mojo fit to Mojo safely once more (always Mojo safely, kids).

I’m no expert, but that may be your problem

The battle itself is pretty simple. As in 99% of Zelda boss battles, let the enemy faff around for a bit, then shoot something in its eye (or whatever’s glowing). The enemy will then proceed to have a hissy-fit on the floor. That is when you hack and slash until the enemy suddenly gets a grip and buggers off for a bit. Rinse and repeat.

It’s a good thing they added an arrow – I’d be lost without it

It is done ! Ghoma is beaten ! I can now finally pick up my heart receptacle and go through the 100% legit blue portal before me ! Hyrule, here I come !!

Wait what.

Well bugger me sideways and let me spin, this ain’t Hyrule. This is right where I was an hour ago. Mojo tree has reached Douche-level 99 – He promised me passage into Hyrule, yet I end up clearing up his STD. And for what ? We shall see, but it better be good because Link already wishes Mojo’s quick and prompt death.

Link has proved himself to be courageous and wise ? That’s the best you could come up with ?

Obviously Mojo tree still thinks Link is falling for his bullshit and starts wanging on about evil Ganon and how he’s looking for some kind of ornament left behind by three goddesses (one of whom is called Nayru. Wasn’t she in some other game as a witch?) So that’s the plot they want you to believe sorted out. Evil Ganon wants ornament (I’m assuming it’ll go well with his faux fur collection) and Link must stop him. Got it.

“I now succumb to a curse thrown upon me by [evil Ganon]. Do not mourn my passing.” Wait… Mojo… You don’t mean… Manly tears… Manly tears WELLING UP. I’M SORRY MOJO TREE. I’M SORRY I THREATENED YOU – EVEN THOUGH YOU MADE ME CLIMB THROUGH YOUR SPHINCTER.

Until about 10 minutes ago, he was more like the “Venereal Arbre Mojo”

I forgive you Mojo-bro. I forgive you for the fact that you made me go through your entrails rather than just say, as I now realise is the truth, “Go to the other side of the village to reach Hyrule.” Don’t leave me now. Not when there is still so much to do to save this world.

Goodbye, Mojo.

- SERIOUSLY

[A Zombie Riot]

That was great. And now I can post this!

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

That was great. And now I can post this!

That sums the whole thing up beautifully !

[Kai]

Easily one of my favourite episodes so far.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

- Episode 5 -

First of all, let me start off by saying that I take back what I said about Mojo Tree. He let me into his bowels knowing full well that he was going to kick the proverbial bucket, and now he gives me this green jewel (which I forgot to mention in the last episode) saying “this is what cursed me, here you go lol.” So now I have this cursed jewel that killed one of the most magical things in the world. Superb.

Anyway, at least I now know where I’m supposed to go and what I’m supposed to do more or less – Go to Hyrule Château, find some person (which I’m assuming is Zelda) and then... something. Mojo didn’t plan that far ahead unfortunately. Luckily, my best friend the condescending blonde elf-person is here ! I’ll ask her to see if she has any advice. “Castle? What’s a castle?” she asks, bewildered. You need to get out more, love.

That's Link's "bitch please" face

HEY ! LISTEN ! Ah, finally, some real advice from my navigator Navi the faerie. What wisdom do you wish to bring to the table Navi ? “Mojo Tree told us to go to the castle, we should go to the castle don’t you think ?” Well encompass me in pastry and call me sausage roll, that had never occurred to me ! I just thought I'd stay in Cock Village forever and just stand there.

Swallowing down my exasperation at such idiocy, I go on to the other side of the village towards the other exit, which, and I swear I’m not making this up, looks like an anus. No seriously, just to show you how much I’m not fishing for smut to say, here’s a picture. Seriously, what went on in the programming team's childhood to warrant such constant imagery ?

Number of badly disguised orifices entered so far - 4

There’s a nice little sign next to the... exit that says “Kokiris never leave the forest.” Only in this village full of half-wits (and perhaps North-Korea) would such a sign work. So much for free thought. Anyway, off I pop, got a world to save after all.

What follows is a relatively bizarre scene. Link arrives at the bridge and starts to cross, at which point condescending blonde elf-person just materialises out of bloody nowhere, leaning sultrily on the sides of the bridge. She then starts guilt-tripping little Link by going “You’re leaving us already. I knew you would, you were always different.” Link, of course, does not know how to speak so just looks at her. Just as the sexual tension reaches a climax, condescending blonde elf-person whips out a flesh coloured bladder. She calls it an ocarina, but I have certain reservations, I mean she did produce it out of nowhere. Link, as expected, has no idea what this is and just stares wide-eyed at his newly acquired ocarina.

"Whazissshinyyy" - exactly what's going through Link's head

Not content with just being suggestive, blondy goes all out and basically says “If you come back, we’re going to get it on.” Now, I’m really starting to question Link’s ability to save the world if his answer to “Let’s get it on” is to run away. Perhaps he would have preferred Mido to wish him farewell.

And so little Link is in Hyrule Field ! The world is his oyster ! HOUUU HOUUUU says a voice from up above ! Is it a bird ? Is it a plane ? It’s a bloody sentient owl with some whopping eyebrows, that’s what it is. Turns out this owl is also a good advice-giver because it starts off by saying “Go to Château Hyrule”. Unfortunately, the usefulness stops there as owl mentions that Link is to meet a princess, thinking that Link will go quicker. Sorry mate, we just saw about 20 seconds ago that Link don’t want none of that booty. He’s too busy saving the world.

At this point, one of the most frustrating things happened. Normally, when one is given a little spiel, one has the option to hear the spiel again in case one misses something. And normally it goes “yes” and then “no” so that the furious button mashers can quickly end the conversation. NOT SO. TWICE I pressed “no” thinking I meant yes, to which Eyebrowl (which is what I’m calling him) proceeds to giving his whole bloody speech again. After this, the most difficult boss fight of my life, Eyebrowl gives a final HOUUU HOUUU and flaffs off somewhere, leaving Link to his own devices. That’s what I don’t understand with many games. Some secondary character comes barging in, not bothering to introduce him, her or itself, gives a little soliloquy about something slightly relevant and then just buggers off.

I hope I was confusing enough, HOUU HOUUU

Unphased, Link goes on to save the world ! In... about 10 minutes, because that’s how long it takes to get bloody anywhere on foot in Hyrule Fields apparently. Link makes the mistake of not going straight ahead as Eyebrowl had suggested, and instead turns left because there’s an interesting plant that piques his interest. Little does he know that the plant is actually a flipping GIANT LEVITATING PINEAPPLE COMPLETE WITH SPINNING RAZORLEAF APPENDAGES.

Nope nope nope nope nope

After that subtle reminder as to where Link was supposed to go, he decides to follow instructions and runs off towards Château Hyrule. But what awaits ? Well according to the Nintendo Science Department, a sudden switch to night-time, because that’s how the world works, kids !

Anyhow, I’ll leave it there for today. I expect it’ll take me until next week just to get to Château Hyrule on foot so bear with me.

- SERIOUSLY


PS – I re-booted the game to see if I had saved correctly and the game LOADS UP BACK IN LINK'S HOUSE IN COCK VILLAGE ! WHAT. So if you go all the way to the gates of Château Hyrule, save, and then turn off your console, the game thinks “Hmmm maybe they were going to go back to Kokiri Village.” What.

[A Zombie Riot]

PS – I re-booted the game to see if I had saved correctly and the game LOADS UP BACK IN LINK'S HOUSE IN COCK VILLAGE ! WHAT. So if you go all the way to the gates of Château Hyrule, save, and then turn off your console, the game thinks “Hmmm maybe they were going to go back to Kokiri Village.” What.

I'm pretty sure it always takes you back to his house unless you're in a dungeon.

[Psychospacecow]

So, that makes Link a refugee and therefore an enemy of the glory of The DICTATOR!
Pineapples attack!

[Beware of Cuccos*]

YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
I AM SO EXCITED YOU FINALLY MET KAEPORA GAEBORA hahahahahaha


Seriously, I have been waiting for that moment.
Not to mention you had a run-in with a peahat! (The easiest enemy ever)



And yes, as child Link, you will always restart back in Link's house unless in a dungeon. As adult Link it's the Temple of Time unless you're in a dungeon.
I love that Zelda games never tell you exactly what to do, that way you have to go out and explore. That was always my favorite part.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
I AM SO EXCITED YOU FINALLY MET KAEPORA GAEBORA hahahahahaha


Seriously, I have been waiting for that moment.
Not to mention you had a run-in with a peahat! (The easiest enemy ever)

So that's eyebrowl's real name :D
When I rebooted the game, I went all the way to see spinny pineapple again. It didn't move so I triumphantly slashed away. Cue lots of mini pineapples who proceeded to Chase little Link into a pack of skeleton animal things (but more on that next episode).

And yes, as child Link, you will always restart back in Link's house unless in a dungeon. As adult Link it's the Temple of Time unless you're in a dungeon.
I love that Zelda games never tell you exactly what to do, that way you have to go out and explore. That was always my favorite part.

I'm pretty sure it always takes you back to his house unless you're in a dungeon.

Ah balls, I hope things aren't too far all the time then !

[Xannidel]

They are however getting to the dungeons are too bad its just getting THROUGH them that can be a bitch, you wait until the water dungeon as child link.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

They are however getting to the dungeons are too bad its just getting THROUGH them that can be a bitch, you wait until the water dungeon as child link.

Pfffffft, if I can run away from a flying death-pineapple, I can go through some water dungeon no problem !


This post was on Reddit just this morning and sums up my experience beautifully

Spoiler