VGFacts

A woman was having a shower when the door-bell rang. 

"It's the blind man", he called.

"That's ok" she thought, so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

Can we talk about how chil the Hindus are? I mean, they never had a beef with anyone....

A woman enters the bus with her two children, the only places available are next to a man who seems very drunk, she sits with the children and the drunk man says: "Your children are very beautiful".

She looks at him with disdain and says: "Thank you".

"You're welcome", says the drunk. After a few minutes the drunk asks: "Are your children twins?"

The woman responds rudely: "No, you can see clearly that one is much older than the other".

The drunk looks at her very thoughtful and says: "Sorry I just find it hard to believe that someone had sex with you twice".

---

You know what my dad and my girlfriend have in common? They both left me.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

How come doctors often forget to ask about erectile dysfunction? I mean, it just never comes up.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number 2 shocked him.

Why are train tracks made out of metal? You need conductors to run a train.

What does Sonic call during a coin toss?
Tails

How do you know he's cheating?
The coin has two tails.

A man walks into a bar....

and stays there my entire childhood.

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Can't believe someone broke into my house last night and stole my hurdles... I just can't get over it.

I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema. Like "shut up, I'm trying to film a movie here!"

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what's up with you?

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Squirrels are really dirty fighters. They keep aiming for the nuts.

Velma: "Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

Scooby: "Rhino!"

Velma: "We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"