Official "Beware of Cuccos" Lore Thread

[Psychospacecow]

Many days had past and a stark confusion had fallen upon the land. Psycho and Ghost had been reunited and promptly plotted for a way to deal with Cuccos, but she was nowhere to be found. It would take the resurgence of one man to stir the tide, and that man was ,figuratively speaking, A Zombie Riot. Riot, the man of fallen hour had risen again after hearing of the misdeeds of Cuccos. He would not beware, and yet things were still now, as they were before the great tide of change, so no one acted, and justice was left unanswered. After all, who better to scare off a Cucco than a Cucco?

[Arjahn]

Jumping out of the sewer and running at breakneck pace, SERIOUSLY THOUGH and Jiraya ran towards the city, hoping to flee the robot Petie had sent to escort themselves to his corporation. Making off towards the city, SERIOUSLY made a stunning observation, "Wait a second, if that thing was beckoned, why isn't it following us and your oozing pile of puss?" he stated to Jiraya, looking back towards the sewer grate and noticing a distinct lack of bloodthirsty robot behind them. Jiraya, using his new Mattel brand voice chip, had his speakers say in the perfect innocent teddy bear voice "I love you! No wait, fuck that. RAIDEN!" he screamed in all of his murderous cyborg assassin cuteness. They ran back towards the pipe and the robot was hunched over Raiden. With Petie still plastered on the screen, he began talking in his undeniably sexy voice. "Just give me the beard Raiden, it will be nice and easy." he said in a cool tone.
Lying there helpless against an armed android, still horribly injured, Raiden looked over to SERIOUSLY THOUGH and Jiraya, seeing them watch in helpless terror.
After noticing that they came back, Raiden chucked and, mustering all of his strength, uttered one last bearded proclimation.

"Go fuck yourself, Petie. Or do you not have a dick for that anymore my sweetie?"

With that abysmal rhyme, Raiden was done. Pulling out his magnum with surprising swiftness, Raiden shot at a structural weakpoint in the ceiling, causing the tunnel to collapse on the both of them.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH just stood there, motionless. No rhymes, no muttering, nothing. Jiraya had to physically grab him and carry him out of there. "Let's be best friends! God dammit, come on. We need to find some of the others before they get picked off too."




Looking over the collapsed pipe, a man with very peculiar taste in masks bent down over the corpse and picked off a nice sample of beard hairs.

[Psychospacecow]

Many weeks passed. Many a man fell under the radar. The coming weeks would fall silent. Psycho would encounter Jiraiya once, and he conferred his knowledge. The Cucco was genetically cloned. They were literally all the same.

[Psychospacecow]

The great break as it was called was more or less intentional really. Cuccos had to plan, Petie needed recover, the others needed to band together, their newfound mortality all too clear. Really, it benefitted everyone. It was just too calm. Psycho didn't like that.

[Beware of Cuccos*]

Ech, sorry for the delay, I really overestimated the amount of free time I had for shocking Cuccos expose writing now that school has begun, IT'S COMING DAMMIT STOP PUSHING ME, YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD HENRY!

My dad's name is Henry.

---

Y'all are awesome.

[CosmykTheDolfyn]

So, I now am in posession of a one hour webcam video and a one hour audio file of me reading all of Cuccos lore in a single dry, unrehearsed run. Time for editing and uploading!

---

Here is all the text I read, so you can read along. Also, I don't like the way I got Cucco's voice (that's right, I gave everyone an individual voice)

Spoiler

The leader of a well known gaming
criminal syndacite, Beardy, returned to his lair in Las Vegas in
order to strategize his next move after creating panic in the VGFacts
forums over a sex thread, then hastily retreating. Cuccos wasn't
going to have any of that, donning her new +5 Admin gear of
Administration, she marched into that lair and shot up every last one
of those motherlovas. As Beardy was whimpering in a corner after
being thoroughly thrashed by the might of Cuccos power, he begged for
mercy. Cuccos wasn't going to have any of that either. She stuck a
chicken in front of him and forced him to whail on it at gunpoint, so
he did. A large rumble could be heard from the earth below, and she
briskly made for the door. As Beardy looked out of his penthouse
window and saw an army comprised of thousands of Cuccos ready to
charge at him, she coldly said:


BEWARE OF CUCCOS

JiraiyaSanninslunk
down the alleyway, raining pouring down like tears from a betrayed
and cheated on spouse.

He pulled up his black coat a
little closer to his face, cigarette in hand, the only light close
by. A trusty magnum was in his holster, ready for anything.
JiraiyaSannin was the greatest private eye in the land. He was
chasing down a very odd lead.

He had been hired by a certain
bloke named Lazlo (funny name, most certainly an alibi) to hunt down
the possible killer of his good pal Beardy. The police were supposed
to be on the case, but they were really doing as much as a lazy
teenage boy when he gets a new video game. Them pigs didn't have time
for no lowly guy like Beardy.

The body was the most bizzare he
had ever seen. Thousands upon thousands of tiny little peck marks
were covering the body like it was swiss cheese. What, or who, had
the time and effort to be so ruthless, and kill someone in such a
painfully slow way? Who was this Beardy anyway?

Questions
poured down like the rain. He slung down the cig into a puddle like a
baby drops a boring toy. Hands in pockets, he stood motionless. He
had a lead. A certain woman, nearly twice his age. A scorned
grandmother. He was attempting to find, just where in this city, she
would be.

Suddenly, a stone flung by his face. He walked
slowly over to pick it up. It was no sooner as that when he bent
over, he saw hundreds of beaming red eyes at ankle level open in
front of him. He quickly read the note on the stone:

Beware...

Of...

CUCCOS.

Two deaths had appeared in the paper
recently. People just didn't know what to think of it. Really, it was
the strangest thing. The bodies had been found ripped, and punctured
by what appeared to be hundreds of poultry. Having reported these
stories, Lazlo didn't know what to think. One of those victims was a
dear friend of his, and yet he could not explain it. Walking out to
his car after work, a strange caw echoed from the dark. He ignored it
and carried on to unlock his car. There again it called, as he opened
his door, and with a short glance, he spotted two red eyes glaring at
him. Frantically slamming his car door and flooring the accelerator,
Lazlo turned onto the main road. He just kept going, for fear of the
unknown. Quick glances as he went revealed many terrifying things,
red eyes, or were they lights? Scratching or was it... a large white
feathered bird slammed into his windshield. He got out of his car,
checking to see if it was alright, then accessed the damage of his
car, a cracked windshield and a bowling ball sized dent in the hood.
The chicken got up, unbeknownst to him and called out. Soon the car
would be the least of his concerns.

BEWARE
OF
CUCCOS!

How had it gotten so deep? How
did this once peaceful forum turn to such anarchy? She remembered the
good ol' days, the grandmother jokes, going on about The Legend of
Zelda and what not, all of that fun crap she used to be interested
in, but now all she's interested in is justice.

It all really
started pouring down after the Zombie Riot incident, a massive wave
of negativity that enveloped every corner of her beloved forum,
negative rep and abuse of power everywhere, someone had to stand up
to it. Someone had to shed some light on this incident, and while the
other warriors of the forums were struggling to defend this most holy
of message boards, She and Hexadecimal would end up purging the
corruption from the system once and for all, with a little help from
the High Lord Admins. They were praised like heroes, given power over
their lower forum dwellers, a power that could go to someone's head
quite easily. Hexadecimal retired from the game soon after this,
keeping its new powers, but restraining itself to posting tired memes
and talking about videogames; but Cucco didn't recover from these
events so easily. She began on a dark road that night, and now she
needed some help. The only place she could turn too was a small
Luchador ring downtown, there she could find a friend of the
Lightmatt...



JiraiyaSannin pulled his eyes open.
What were all these bandages? He couldn't see a thing clear. His
mouth... Was gone. Flat out gone.

He took a look around the
room. A bright light was hanging over him. He was laying... in a bed.
It was comfortable, at the very least...

He rolled his eyes
over, to see a figure in dark blue.

"Hey jerk, been quite
a while".

His eyes narrowed with pure disgust. Why in the
flying f*** was chris, that so called reformed street punk turned
police chief sitting across from him? He would scream obscenities
that would make any rapper blush... If he still had his lower
jaw.

"Hey, just keep quiet. Not that you have any choice,
really. We found ya near dead out on Bolar lane"
Cingchris
threw a newspaper at the near dead carcass of a man beside him.
Glancing at the headline "2 dead in freak chicken accident",
Jirayia tried to gasp, but clearly couldn't.

"Them
chickens, they ain't normal. You can't touch them. Even bombs don't
leave a mark. They go to town, pecking away flesh like you wouldn't
believe. After they left you tore up, they killed a little woman on
3rd street. They also were who killed Beardy. He's who you wanted to
find, right?"

Jirayia tired to nod his head yes, but a
boulder was sitting on him. The pain was like a 2 ton gorilla beating
his skull in and then letting the orchestra do a concert in his brain
with front row seats.

"Listen, when you can write again,
we need to know everything you do. We traced it back to this Cuccos
dame. She and this Hexadecimal are some wacko vigilantes. We've
pulled up so much dirt on this Beardy that she knocked off after his
death that you wouldn't believe. They killed the mobster A Zombie
Riot."

If Jiriya could look back in shock, he would, but
sleep was coming over like the last day of life.

"I can't
be out there. We need more info on HOW those chickens work, and if
this Cuccos is on OUR side, or if she's just insane. And I want YOU
to be our operative inside her organization once you heal up. We got
a guy in there now going under the codename CosmykTheDolfyn, but he's
still wet behind the ears."

Cingchris looked Jirayia in
the eyes for the first time in this whole speech. "I do hope
you'll work WITH me again."

chris walked out the hospital
door, slowly closing it behind him. "I still love you, big
bro".

A single tear left Jirayia's eyes.



As Cuccos approached the decrepit
old ring, she remembered how Lightmatt used to be. King of Tex-Mex
wrestling circuit of the Canadian Republic of Ohio, nobody could
stand up to his pelvic slam attack, nobody. She
remembered how he used to bask in the glow of his adoring fans, and
now she saw his flabby body struggling to even hit a punching bag.

TABbbb"It's been
a long time, Matt." she said as she entered the room, taking
note of how poorly the entire thing had been maintained. "Too
long," Matt responded "Far too long. You still keep in
touch with any of the old gang?" "Not except for Hex, and
he's been offline for a month. How's about you?" she said
coldly, clearly trying to rebound the question instead of facing its
implications. "Only one I keep around is CosmykTheDolfyn,
remember that rookie? He wasn't that great of a poster, but he's a
damn good assistant." He said, whistling and beckoning for a
doorway in the back of the room she hadn't noticed upon entering. A
shorter man wearing a Dolphin hat approached Lightmatt with a bottle
of water and some pills. "Those prescription?" Cuccos
asked, already knowing the answer. "There were for someone."
He responded, downing four and giving the bottle back to the kid.
Something seemed a off about the kid, but she didn't know what.

TABbbb"So, what
brings you back here?" Matt asked as the kid ran back to his
chambers.
"I'm looking for some help, do you still have the
info on the rest of the old forum members?" she said. "Of
course, well, the ones who are still alive anyways, although I'm
going to have to ask for something in return." "What the
hell Matt, I thought we were friends!" She said, astonished at
the statement. "You gotta understand something Cuccos, after
Nappa died in that combination train accident/speed boat romp/gunshot
wound/orphan rescue/elephant trampoline mishap, I've gotta be more
careful with this stuff. You never know who could get a hold of it."
"Fine, take this necklace" she halfheartedly stated,
removing the Triforce necklace she always wore. "Now,
give me SERIOUSLY THOUGH's file."TABbbbAfter
leaving with the information she needed, Cuccos pulled another
necklace out of her bag, which was apparently full of fake golden
triforce necklaces. She chuckled at Matt's misfortune, thinking that
nobody was watching. Unannounced to her, up above there was a very
specific Nappa who had possessed one of her chickens, and he was not
as amused.



Cuccos sat on her throne. Or call it
a throne. Try a rusted lawn chair out in this heat. But, it DID have
a TWO cup holders, both occupied. Nothing to help one think about the
next target like a bottle of scotch AND a dark lager. Ok, maybe that
was a really bad combo. But, it was a looooooonnnng day.

She
had to return these forums to sanity. It was her only dream. But, HOW
can an insane person cause sanity to be brought about? She took
another healthy swallow of scotch, and then followed the firewater
down with the lager. Bad combo, long day, etc etc etc...

She
pet her chicken very comfortably. It was such a cute little guy, hard
to believe he was so deadly. His eyes were the calm blue at this
moment in time...
But not allcould be so calm. A shadow, a ghost,
was lingering.

And he was coming ever closer as she pushed the
call button for Hexadecimal. She needed the power to wipe it all out
and restart....

Miles away, the demented doctor was hard at
work. JiraiyaSannin was healed up enough to get out of the hospital.
Check that, bust his way out of high security and out the 10th window
of the hospital while still missing a leg and a mouth. He was tired
of playing middle man, and he only knew one man who could understand
mechanics so well as to understand the power of those Cuccos... And
he wanted that power for himself.

BumbleBeeCody was beyond
just an insane scientist, he was the most wanted man in all of
Factland. He didn't make any bones about it. Heck, he still wore the
handcuffs and the striped shirt because he was so proud of his cruel
experimentation on both man and beast. And Jiraiya had sought him
out.

After it was said and done, who could no what was the man
and what was the machine. A retractable sword arm, a leg with an
AK-47 attachment, a radar detection system jaw. Jiraiya needed a new
identity so as not to be recognized. He was now Ken. Simply Ken. And
he was going to become Cuccos personal assistant, per little
brother's request.




SERIOUSLY THOUGH was enjoying a
nice year-old cup of tea he had found on the ground when Raiden
Blackwood smashed through his beloved doorway. "That was my
favorite door you treacherous whore." he said, followed by a
cliche yet nonetheless bad ass chair swivel to face his new guest.

After the Zombie Riot incident occurred, SERIOUSLY had not gotten
off as easily as the rest. You see, Zombie Riot wasn't usually too
evil, he used to be a respected moderator back in the glory days of
VGFacts and even in the ancient times of the elder forum. He was part
of a triad, Zombie Riot, SERIOUSLY THOUGH and BumblebeeCody,
moderators of the land, their jobs were to keep order and tranquility
in the forums. The problem with order is that too much can drive a
man out of order, into the cold, child molesting hands of insanity.

Zombie had snapped, lashing out viciously and causing massive
rifts between other users and himself. Cody, SERIOUSLY's friend and
ally, tried to stop it, but Zombie just ended up driving him insane.
SERIOUSLY THOUGH himself barely made it out of the rampage alive, his
body gave out after it had taken too much damage. At that point, the
only thing he could think about was the good old days, when he talked
about trivia with his friends and had a small Asian child take off
sunglasses over dramatically. That single happy thought kept him
going, he crawled as miserably and painfully as anyone has ever
crawled to the nearest forum machine and posted an S.O.S. That's when
the new moderators came into the picture.
After everything had
blown over, Hexadecimal and Beware of Cuccos were the new kids on the
street, and everyone was focusing on them, even going to lengths to
post fake stories of their heroic exploits (SHIT THAT'S META).
SERIOUSLY's broken body had recovered after a while, and he had
gotten out of the hospital a few days after the Beardy hit. He had a
roommate in there, but apparently his mouth and lower jaw had been
ravaged by some monster or something, so there wasn't much discussion
on that front.
Now he sat in his moderator's chair in the ruins
of the Locked section of the Elder Forum, or as it was known in its
time, the Did You Know Gaming forums. After everything and everyone
had been converted to VGFacts, this old place died out and was
eventually shut down. He had come here to see if he could find any
remnants of the old days, all he had managed to pick up so far was
the original thread, the Locked thread wherein one user posted
"First" and was promptly shunned by the entire population,
his name lost, a relic of ages past. The only other thing he saw was
the doorway, and now even that was gone, just like everyone he ever
loved.
"Dammit man, knock that rhyming shit off! We gotta
get you to safety!" Raiden said, he was a tall man with a dark,
luxurious beard. It's rumored that if his beard is destroyed, so is
his life force. "Who would want me, as decrepit as I be?"
SERIOUSLY responded, only muttering quietly in forced rhymes. "SHE
would want you, and she would want your head on a fucking stick, so
let's move!" he replied, his nervousness was apparent from his
worried facial expression and the puddle underneath him that wasn't
there when he came in.

"Who is this SHE,
and why might she want me?" SERIOUSLY replied, his swollen face
darkening with each syllable. "The old lady with the chickens,
she's going mad man, after the Beardy hit she just started killing
everyone. Berry's out, Jiraiya showed up in an alleyway without even
a fucking mouth left, and now she's coming for
you." he said, now holding his pistol to the door, waiting for
someone to try to sneak in. "How do you know FohShnickity Mo?"
SERIOUSLY questioned, slowly meandering towards the door. "DID
YOU SERIOUSLY JUST USE FOUR-TIME GRAMMY WINNING ARTIST FOHSHNICKITY
IN YOUR FORCED FUCKING RHYME? Dammit man, I've got a guy working with
Lightmatt, and he says that SHE came by asking
for information on you, now I'll answer your questions later, let's
move!"
And with that, they left the old forum for one last
time. Scanning the sky as the walked out, Raiden let out a sigh of
relief. "Good, that old bag hasn't found us yet, we gotta get to
safety." he said, pulling up his motorized tricycle and sitting
SERIOUSLY THOUGH in the sidecar with a majestic sky dolphin painted
on it. As they pulled out, one very specific Cucco watched them,
perched atop the Clocktower. "It's nearly time." he said,
apparently to himself.
"Activate the countdown."


Jiraiya got gang green, and the
AK-47 leg had to be removed. BumbleBeeCody had re-attached some
regular prosthetic now, but it was an incredibly strong shield.
Perhaps as strong as the Cuccos skin.


Looking down at the situation still,
a certain space cow felt rather ill, for chaos had been sown whilst
he'd been away, and all without him having stay. "Was it not my
job to cause such chaos? Was it not my job to activate this mental
haze? After all, I'm the insane extraterrestrial rib eye. Why does it
seem now as I'm the only one sane?" were his thoughts as he took
to his gaze. Really, for him, it was all quite a daze. "Maybe,
Cuccos will know what is up." he said to himself as he
approached the chaotic muck. After all, she had been so close, or
maybe Nappa, though he was a ghost.


Raiden and SERIOUSLY THOUGH were
riding over the overpass now in Raiden's motorized tricycle, Raiden
still wary of possible observers, SERIOUSLY sitting in the sidecar,
mumbling something about oranges unintelligibly. The tricycle, while
fast, was noticeably loud, the engine was spitting pixels everywhere.
"Piece of shit," Raiden grumbled in a grumbled fashion "I'm
prayin' to space cow that this thing holds together until we get to
the compound, how're you hanging in?" SERIOUSLY mumbled
something about bananas now, moving up in the fruit-tier ladder.
"Dammit man, why do you always talk in those stupid fucking
rhymes anyways?" Raiden asked, obviously irritated with the
absurdity of it. SERIOUSLY snapped at this point, not mentally or as
severely as the other mods, but nonetheless he snapped at his driver.
"Why, why do I bear this curse? It's is because of that HAG and
her filthy fucking purse! That monster and her warped bag of tricks,
never removing those chickeny kicks. SHE caused this atrocity, SHE's
ravaged this city! She needs to be stopped, she needs to be banned,
Her head to be lopped and her ass too be canned!" he screamed,
disorienting Raiden and almost causing a tricycle accident on the
bridge. "Shit man, quiet down, they might hear you!" he
respond, but it was too late.

The roar could be heard from
miles away, at first it was only a few bloodcurdling screeches, then
they turned into thousands. An enormous wave of the most ungodly,
primal screams you've ever heard. Then the shock wave, looking behind
him, Raiden saw one of the most horrifying sights he'd ever seen. An
enormous flock of Cuccos flying towards them at breakneck speeds down
the bridge. "Shit!" Raiden exclaimed, "Keep low and
brace for impact!" SERIOUSLY barely heeded this information in
time, ducking just as a Cucco whizzed right over his head. There were
Cuccos coming from the sides at this time in addition to the massive
wave straight behind them, Cuccos from every corner of the city were
flocking to them, SERIOUSLY had become a beacon (OH THE PUNS) for the
entire species. "It's right over the brid--- SHIT!" Raiden
yelled.

The bridge had been sliced,
a clean cut right through the center, and the compound was on the
other side. At this point, I find it wise to inform the reader that
this bridge was a good 126 feet above ground in the city, and
decrepit as it was, it had held up without issue for years. Someone
cut this massive concrete bridge on purpose.

There was a diagonal piece
of plywood facing the gap. "Hold on man!" Raiden screamed,
the Cuccos gaining on them. Lining up his tricycle to the ramp, he
charged it at full speed, screaming something akin to
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGGGGGGG" while approaching it, launching
his magical friendship bike over the gap, steering them to safety
within the shelter and enjoying a nice s'mores upon arrival.

Hah, I'm just messing with
you, no they missed. Horribly.

Raiden HAD successfully
launched his scooter off of the plank, but for those of you without a
comprehension of the basic laws of physics, in a nutshell, they don't
work like this.

They smashed into the
ground, thankfully the tricycle's Ford Patented safety bubble™
prevented

the impact from obliterating
their spinal cords on impact. That being said, Raiden's legs were in
no condition to walk, and SERIOUSLY had to drag him out of the
wreckage.

They were under the bridge
now, SERIOUSLY had hid with Raiden inside of a dark sewer grate,
laying Raiden's body in the shit stream on the ground next to him,
letting him soak in the wonderful flavor rest.

This was all happening while
Jiraiya was walking nearby, he preferred to stick to the low ground
ever since the incident, since Cuccos mainly preferred to patrol the
skies. His new implants allowed him to sense Tricycles in danger from
miles away, so he was able to find the crash, and with the trail of
urine, find Raiden and SERIOUSLY hiding in the gutter.

SERIOUSLY saw him come in,
this cyborg without a fucking mouth, and showed little reaction. He
recognized him as Jiraiya from the earlier days of the forum, and
figured that if this guy was going to kill them, he would've done it
already. Jiraiya just sat there looking at them for a while, then
SERIOUSLY let out a chuckle. "You were my roommate, weren't you
chick-bait?" he said, now laughing audibly. The joke wasn't even
that good, and he knew it, but dammit the coincidental nature of it
was palatable. Jiraya started chuckling at this too, or at least his
horrific, mouthless version of a chuckle. Even Raiden, barely
conscious, started cracking up. Everyone was laughing now, seriously,
it was hilarious, he happened to get a roomate who happened to be an
old friend who happened to track them down to their very hiding spot!
It was a riot!

"Wait a sec, what the
feck." SERIOUSLY THOUGH suddenly said, all traces of humor gone
from his expression. "This isn't right, this is too much,
someone's here to fight, and he doesn't drive clutch." "What
do *COUGH SOUND EFFECT* you mean, man?" Raiden managed, still in
terrible pain , but awake nonetheless. "It's too perfect, too
clean, something here is mean. He found us, he did, in this remote
sewer of horse sid. Someone wanted us all here, oh dear, oh dear."
SERIOUSLY managed, crawling towards the grate. Trying to re-open it,
unsuccessfully. "Oh crap, Jiraiya activated the trap."
SERIOUSLY said again, as a pair of yellow, mechanical eyes became
visible through the darkness in the back of the sewer. "Who, who
wanted us in this very spot, just so all of us could get shot?"
He struggled again as the eyes grew in intensity.

"Sir Petie?" A
short guy in spandex nervously asked after entering an office high
rise. "Yes retrolink, what is it?" The figure responded,
puffing on a cigar as he did "The... the three are all ready,
shall we begin the extraction?" retrolink said, shaking even
more nervously in preparation for the answer.

"Yes, begin the
procedure, we need that specimen before she can get her stinky
chicken-licking hands on him." Petie answered, looking out of
the window of Petie Brand Bridge Explosives, Remote Sewer Grate
Maintenance and Light Sundries™

cingchris was adjusting the badge on
his shirt, waiting every moment for the call. It had been seven long
days since they had last contact with their undercover agent. The
tension was so thick in the air, almost like the steam when someone
takes a really hot shower for much too long of a
time.

"MexicanAnime, please turn up the signal" he
moaned, as he was clumsily paying with his tie.

"Ehh,
whenever you say boss." Anime was a slow moving guy who never
noticed a thing. But somehow, he really knew how to cut all these
computer stuff (well, he WAS the IT guy of the Police team). Not only
that, but was he a great translator. He could even interpret Beiber
Fever girls and swag douchiness texts messages into pure Kvlt metal
guitar riffs. And, he was a very hard worker. Nothing phased him. You
held him up at gunpoint, and he'd just sigh, sip on some more coffee
and keep typing, like he was detached from the rest of the world.

It
was of course he that figured out the cryptic message.
CosmykTheDolfyn was supposed to check in every four days with base,
but they had only recieved one encoded message. Several hours of work
had revealed only a date and time...

Which was two minutes
from now. cingchris knew this info was only meant for a few eyes, so
only he and his trusty IT man sat in the room.

Suddenly, the
viewing screen buzzed to a grainy life. cingchris jumped quicker than
a starving wolf when it sees fresh, unguarded meat.

"I'm
sorry sir, I was just testing the frequency."

"Anime,
you nearly scared the life out of me. Tell me when we're live."

A
giant thump was heard. Suddenly, a roof pile dropped down.

"We're
LLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE right now".

The
sound came shrieking like a banshee. Suddenly, the cuccos queen
dropped down herself by wire, holding a sobbing fat kid in one
arm.

cingchris reeled in shock. "Cosmyk, what have they
done to you!"

Cuccos just laughed sinisterly. "Seriously
cingchris, if you send in someone undercover, don't let him paint sky
dolphins on everything he owns, especially getaway vehicles. He's in
with you, SERIOUSLY, Raiden, Jiaraya and all of them, ain't he? I
knew something was odd about this kid."

"Please
don't hurt him. He's of no concern to you. He's merely a
rookie".

"Hurt him? Oh pleeeeaaase. I wanted him as
a ransom. This little guy is just too cute anyway. Have you seen his
selfies?"

CosmykTheDolfyn was getting a little better.
"Boss, please just forget about me. I'll be fine. Just complete
the mission. And anime, I heard you open that knife. Don't do
it."

It was true, Mexican Anime had a knife in hand. But,
he didn't put it down. In fact he didn't acknowledge a thing had
happened. He took off a shoe and began picking out his toenails with
the blade.

"Chris, I'm shocked at your recruits. Just
amazing."
Chris shrugged at that.

"Listen to me,
since you won't do anything yourself. In one week, I will need the
GIF repository. Don't do it, you'll have a nice pair of dolfyn
testicles on a necklace on your door in the morning. Got it?"

"Why
in the world do you need all those GIFs for, Cuccos?"

''Cuccos
seductively chewed her nails. "Oh, a girl has to keep her
secrets."

And in a flash, her line zipped her away,
unseen. "Oh, and just a warning. BEWARE OF CUCCOS"

A
single cuccos dropped from the ceiling, a single piece of lit
dynamite in it's mouth.

"MEXICANANIME, LET'S
MOVE!!!"

Anime walked over to the cuccos and lit his
cigar from the dynamite's fuse. cingchris ran as quick as his legs
would take him. Tackling MexicanAnime, the two tumbled out the window
as the explosion took out the upper floor.

"Don't worry
Boss, we were only 7 stories up. I lost my cigar though."

"I
thought I told you no smoking inside" cingchris muttered as he
tensed for impact.


Seeing friends of his falling to the
ground from the explosion, Psycho whizzed down in a wisp like form,
catching them with his aura, or his back, whatever worked really.
"I'm gone for a few weeks and you guys start killing each other
or something?" Psycho questioned as he flipped upside down,
three feet from the ground putting the others on the ground.
"Honestly, they say I'M insane," Cow muttered, turning to
see Cuccos in the distance. Before the others could say anything, he
darted off in her direction yelling "Sorry guys, I gotta inquire
about the situation,". What could this all be about, he
wondered. Surely an admin would know, after all, that was their job.
So, he followed Cuccos, pursuing her to the pets thread.


"and what of the others?"
Psycho asked Cuccos, in bewilderment to her actions. "Why have
you done such things to them Cuccos?". His gaze setting like the
distant stars you only think are still there. They were on top of a
rather large building, The Hexidecimal Foundation for the Ethical
Exposition of Animals. With the dark night winds raging, and hellish
thunder brewing in the clouds, no mere mortal could simply stand and
converse on such a large tower. Yet, these two were not mortal. "Its
been chaos for too long now, and the root of chaos is these people,
Space. Its my job to bring order to these forums now, and I intend on
doing it," Cuccos yelled, only barely out-sounding the gale.
"and who gave you this authority Cuccos? Look, I may be insane,
but that don't mean I ain't got morals. They're just cow ones, and
cows don't like farmers. You're sounding like a farmer Cuccos. I
don't want this to be an Animal Farm!" he replied somewhat
haphazardly. He broke out into a gut wrenching cackle as lightning
struck the antenna behind him. "I don't like this Cuccos, I
really don't, and I'm sorry," Psycho cried, not in a yelling
sense but with actual tears, out taking hold of her shoulder,
preparing to never let go.


As it turns out, despite being an
ever powerful space fairing bovine, Psycho did not have thumbs so as
to allow him to hold onto Cuccos. I guess being psychotic makes you
forget about hooves don't it? Still, he continued to grapple at
Cuccos, following her where she went without much success, folllowing
her to the great archive to Human appearance,
http://www.vgfacts.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=22.
"Cuccos, this isn't going to end well, and you know it,"
Psycho uttered as they entered. He was starting to feel more like one
of the Legend of Zelda fairies then anything else. "Listen here,
Psycho. If this chaos is going to end, I've got to know who sits as
the root," Cucs coughed, having lost her voice with hours of
restless conversation with Cow. Going down the great marble halls of
the holy to human archives, she turned to the tomb of the founders,
Diyuknga, Petie, ODazzius and Robiacus.


Little did PsychoSpaceCow, know
however, what Petie was still doing. That the tomb, the memorial was
all a fake. After all, one hundred years had passed since the
founders rose. Nobody may have known exactly what happened to them
all, but Petie would be well over 150 years old now, as he was the
oldest, most wise of the founders.

But, that was not the case.
Petie stood straight up right, a living relic, a monument of
awesomeness. He was the last one still living. His mechanical heart
beat firm under the plyo-skin... Man, this stuff looked really real.
It was so much better than the first batch they had made for him, 30
years ago. Petie's massive brain power was still his greatest
strength. But, he needed new designs for this body of his if he
wanted to remain so active and keep running triathlons under the
pseudonym of Jorge Tobias.

Underneath, down in the sewers, the
yellow eyes lurched forward into life, like a first time lover being
jerky in his movements as he tried to figure out what in the world he
should do in the bedroom. Jirayia and SERIOUSLY stood up, as if ready
to tackle the beast. Raiden did his best to look menacingly at it and
flip it the bird.

The beast was nothing more than a robot,
only a measly 10 feet high, with several dozen drills, saws, and
other things popping out in all sorts of random places.

"Aw
man, all it is a giant can! I'll bust it up like a good neighbor,
don't want any payment for the fruits of my hard labor!"
SERIOUSLY THOUGH was still speaking in rhyme, which actually, makes
one appear more Seuss like than assassin-esque.

A radio
speaker blared to life out of the machine.
"Jirayia,
SERIOUSLY and Raiden. How awfully kind of you to join me today. I
hope that this transaction will go as smoothly as possible for all
involved. I want you all still alive at the end of this..."

Raiden
pulled a magnum out of his pocket, heaving his body like a walrus
that swimming gracefully one moment then suddenly wound up on dry
ground when a submarine surfaced underneath it. "WHO are YOU,
and WHAT do you want from US?"

"Ahhhhhhh, it's none
other than your GOD, YOUR FOUNDER. I am the one and only
Petie!"

Jiariaya laughed. "Aren't you a little old
to be chasing us pups around? Whaddya want?"

A view
screen popped out of the monster's chest. An incredibly, amazingly
handsome man's face with flowing golden brown hair was on, with a
scared assistant trembling behind him.
"Ah well, I guess it's
hard to believe I am so old. This synthetic skin is getting better
every day. I look BEAUTIFUL. But, I have a slight issue. I am indeed
150 years old, but I want to be made EVEN better. And that's where
you all come in..."

Raiden set down his gun. "Ok,
let me hear what you need from us. If it ain't too bad, I don't mind
striking up a deal."

"Good good. You see, despite
HOW stunning I am, I can no longer grow a beard. I just can't do it.
I want your beard, Raiden. So it can forever illuminate my face. And
Jirayia, I understand that your new leg is nearly invincible, just a
Cuccos? My skin rips all the time now. I want your leg so I can build
better skin. And oh, SERIOUSLY, there's this new fangled thing the
kids do called rapping or tapping or fapping or something like that,
but understand you need to rhyme to do it. I want to prove to them
whippersnappers I still got it, and if I lay down some great beats
and some good lines, I can do it. I was hoping to extract your brain
out and compliment it to mine. Oh, we'll make a great team. And
retrolinx even made me a new, synthetic brain we can replace your old
one with! What do you guys all say? I can trade you guys for a new
motorcycle and putting the bridge back in... Do we have a
deal?"

SERIOUSLY began to shriek. "HERE, I THOUGHT
THIS GUY WAS LEGIT. ALL HE REALLY IS UNFIT. NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU BALL
OF LARD! I'LL BEAT YOUR HEAD SO YOU GO FULL TARD! YOU MAY SEE
YOURSELF AS SOME NEW AGE WIZARD, BUT YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO
WITHSTAND MY BLIZZARD!"

And with that, the machine
charged forward. But, in no short amount of time, Jiraiya shot a
flare at the ship. A saw came flying off, knocking a hole in the wall
out of the sewers to freedom. Using his trusty hookshot/sword arm,
Jiraiya quickly swung to the outside world, carrying Raiden in his
other hand. SERIOUSLY grabbed onto his pants, and thanks to the fact
that Jiraiya likes to dress nice and wear a good belt, they didn't
come off, and all three made it out.

Petie slammed down his
fist on his console.
Retrolinx stepped forward. "Sir, I do
think they have escaped from us."
"You don't think I
haven't seen that? Maybe, with my influence, I will be able to
convince the Cuccos to join my side. After all, who doesn't trust a
founder? After we crush these fools, I will use my superior
intelligence to overthrow her and re-establish myself as the true
ruler. But, for now, we must wait."

Ok sir, but please,
BEWARE OF CUCCOS.


"You know what interests me the
most about these places Cuccos?" Psy spat looking back as he
examined a painting of Petie the wise. She didn't respond, and to be
fair, they were both somewhat sick of each other, with Cow going on
and on, and Cuccos still being evil. "Whenever they do these
portraits and write these articles, no one quite gets it right. I've
been around a long time, saw the days when this place's foundations
were set, by old Diyuknga in fact. Petie and his tribe took to the
foundation and agreed with Ol' Diyu for a portion of the territory, a
merger of cultures they called it. Didn't much see Diyu much anymore
though he still appeared from time to time, he always seemed rather,
lonely I guess you could say. I can't much blame him really, it
wasn't his show anymore. See, I mention this, because at the time,
Petie tried to unify things, bring order, had some insane virtue to
preserve time as it stood, probably from fear of death. It didn't end
well. That's why -" ... In the time he explained an example of
history repeating itself, Cuccos had walked off on her own. He just
shook his head and gazed into that picture, looking behind Petie's
shoulder. "I guess these people just don't listen very well,"
he murmered to himself. "Tell me about it," came a familiar
voice, a ghost from the past.


It was nighttime and a storm was
raging on atop the tall buildings not too far away. The man had just
finished watching Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead for the
third time and was taking a walk outside to clear his mind of undead
fowl. He hoped the growling thunder would die down before it reached
his cottage, the last storm had done enough damage to his yard as it
was. Lost in his thoughts the man took a wrong turn and found himself
walking on the forest path leading to the nearby lake. Not really
minding the path he had taken he continued onwards in hopes of
catching a glimpse of the beautiful full moon adorning the night sky
above the water. Thankfully it was not covered by the dark clouds
that were now left far behind. What, however, had not been left far
behind, were red feverish eyes that gleamed in the darkness of the
thick foliage.
When he was nearing the end of the path he started
thinking about his old friends, all the people back in the Forums.
Whatever had happened to them since everything went wrong? The man
wasn't aware of the turn for the worse as he had not been in contact
with those people for what felt like forever. Just as the lake came
into his vision his thoughts were interrupted by the rustling from
the bushes by the path. He prepared to encounter a wild animal when
out came a... chicken? Why on earth was a chicken there? Having never
played Legend of Zelda in his life, the person started towards the
creature not aware of the imminent danger he was in. "How did
you get all the way out here little buddy?" Before he could
continue he stopped in his tracks when he saw dozens upon dozens
pairs of eyes shining in the moonlit growth. "What the..?"
And that was all he was able to utter when the white, bloodthirsty
avians flocked from the bushes and covered his body, tearing away
with their sharp beaks and claws. After a while, the night was silent
again. Left on the road lied the man, motionless. The cuccos seemed
to have spared him apart from one thing. They had literally pecked
his face off in one piece and taken it with them. This was a
massively distracting sight.


Many days had past and a stark
confusion had fallen upon the land. Psycho and Ghost had been
reunited and promptly plotted for a way to deal with Cuccos, but she
was nowhere to be found. It would take the resurgence of one man to
stir the tide, and that man was ,figuratively speaking, A Zombie
Riot. Riot, the man of fallen hour had risen again after hearing of
the misdeeds of Cuccos. He would not beware, and yet things were
still now, as they were before the great tide of change, so no one
acted, and justice was left unanswered. After all, who better to
scare off a Cucco than a Cucco?


Jumping out of the sewer and running
at breakneck pace, SERIOUSLY THOUGH and Jiraya ran towards the city,
hoping to flee the robot Petie had sent to escort themselves to his
corporation. Making off towards the city, SERIOUSLY made a stunning
observation, "Wait a second, if that thing was beckoned, why
isn't it following us and your oozing pile of puss?" he stated
to Jiraya, looking back towards the sewer grate and noticing a
distinct lack of bloodthirsty robot behind them. Jiraya, using his
new Mattel brand voice chip, had his speakers say in the perfect
innocent teddy bear voice "I love
you! No wait, fuck that. RAIDEN!" he screamed in
all of his murderous cyborg assassin cuteness. They ran back towards
the pipe and the robot was hunched over Raiden. With Petie still
plastered on the screen, he began talking in his undeniably sexy
voice. "Just give me the beard Raiden, it will be nice and
easy." he said in a cool tone.
Lying there helpless against
an armed android, still horribly injured, Raiden looked over to
SERIOUSLY THOUGH and Jiraya, seeing them watch in helpless
terror.
After noticing that they came back, Raiden chucked and,
mustering all of his strength, uttered one last bearded proclimation.


"Go fuck yourself, Petie. Or do you not have a
dick for that anymore my sweetie?"

With that
abysmal rhyme, Raiden was done. Pulling out his magnum with
surprising swiftness, Raiden shot at a structural weakpoint in the
ceiling, causing the tunnel to collapse on the both of
them.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH just stood there, motionless. No
rhymes, no muttering, nothing. Jiraya had to physically grab him and
carry him out of there. "Let's be
best friends! God dammit, come on. We need to find some
of the others before they get picked off too."




Looking
over the collapsed pipe, a man with very peculiar taste in masks bent
down over the corpse and picked off a nice sample of beard hairs.


Many weeks passed. Many a man fell
under the radar. The coming weeks would fall silent. Psycho would
encounter Jiraiya once, and he conferred his knowledge. The Cucco was
genetically cloned. They were literally all the same.


[i]The great break as it was called was
more or less intentional really. Cuccos had to plan, Petie needed
recover, the others needed to band together, their newfound mortality
all too clear. Really, it benefitted everyone. It was just too calm.
Psycho didn't like that.

https://soundcloud.com/cosmykthedolfyn/b...uccos-lore
I must also say I originally planned on doing it as a video, but it's too much to edit and upload. Just soundcloud.

---

I am uploading a video of myself reading also to youtube now, if that's what you all prefer. Hour long. Same audio.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

Can't wait to listen to this later !

EDIT - Listening to it now D: You have a really nice radio voice.
EDIT - This is amazing !
EDIT - Well that was totally worth it. CosmykTheDolphyn - BRAVO, that was some SERIOUSLY good entertainment.

[CosmykTheDolfyn]

Thank you. I'd say I felt the best with cingchris's voice, but I really enjoyed doing psychospacecow. It was so hard to transition voices that quickly though. There was a time I seriously considered voice acting as a profession, but it seems to be very difficult to get into, so I never tried. And, I don't have that great of a range of voices either. The jingling noises was my dog's collar, btw.
And there is no easy I can post the full video on my home internet, my upload speed is too slow.

[Psychospacecow]

I sound good. You sound good.

[Hexadecimal*]

Anyone remember the movie Sandlot? I'm thinking it would be hilarious to make a Cuccos parody out of the "Legend of the Beast" story.

[Psychospacecow]

Psycho sat still at the sight of such uneasy peace. He didn't quite know what to think. It was neither chaotic or friendly. This was bad. So, being the thing that he embodied in name, he set out to find Jiraiya, and forged a cucco killing disease. The fact that cuccos were cloned meant their genetic diversity was nill. They would all fall to the same disease, like bananas.

[Beware of Cuccos*]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT MY BABIES

---

Anyone remember the movie Sandlot? I'm thinking it would be hilarious to make a Cuccos parody out of the "Legend of the Beast" story.

BAHAHAHA genius.

[Arjahn]

SERIOUSLY and Jiraya were lost, broken and despaired. The Raiden incident had only happened a few hours ago, but to them it seemed like at least nine months COUGH COUGH. "Water, I need water if this day is walk is to be any longer." SERIOUSLY said, dragging his charred legs on the crumbling husk of a roadway. "ACCORDING TO MY COOLMAPS 4 KIDS!™ PROGRAM, WE'RE STILL WITHIN THE OUTER LIMITS OF THE FORUM." Jiraya exclaimed in his newly-Hawkened voice pack. All around them, sporatic bits of text and pixels could be seen whizzing around in bizarre directions.

"Hey Jiraya," SERIOUSLY began, "According to this flya', someone posted about DRM servers hosted. Sim City? Well that sounds downright shitty. What's the haps with all of these screen caps?". "I DO NOT KNOW" Jiraya exclaimed with a sigh of either Mid-90's alternative rock or disappointment. "WAIT, I HAVE LOCATED A TAPE WITH INFORMATION ON THE FORUM STRUCTURE, PERHAPS IT COULD PROVIDE SOME CLARITY." The synthetic creature reached into his kneecap, seemingly feeling no pain from the motion, and produced a cassette tape labled "Forum Origins/Turtle Mating Rituals". The second he popped it into his lower spinal column, a routine procedure of course, a static-sounding news reel began to play through the speakers located in Jiraya's left ass cheek and right face cheek accordingly.

"More on the tragic ThePlainGamer murder-suicide at eleven. On a slightly brighter note, we now turn our faces towards this proud forums half-quarter birthday. Head Anchor ShadeDBZ has the story" a female newscaster read with discernibly false interest in the matter. "Thanks Tigerlilly, now we all know that the VGFacts forum has a proud history of people kind of talking about videogames and mostly complaining about remakes and why EA is almost as bad as Hitler, but what many of us don't know, is how the forums structure themselves. As you can see by this hastily constructed news graphic, as new posts are created, old ones are shoved outwards, creating the Forum Circles.

Take, for example, one of the earlier posts in which this weirdo with a Furret avatar whined about the forum colors. Sure it started out in the Alpha Circle, when the forums were first created and just about anything could make it to the top, but as time moves on and the public's focus shifts to hilarious comics about Nintendo characters, this old post needs to be put out to pasture, otherwise the circles would become clogged and unstable. Thankfully, city engineer and renowned bridge demolisher Petie devised an ingenious method of organizing these would-be obstacles. Now whenever a new post is created, a specialized team of officials rates the content, determining its potential for discussion and placing it in its appropriate circle. Fantastic posts, such as Petie Gets Married or Bridge Demolition 101 with Petie guest starring Christian Slater with great promises for discussion are obviously placed in the Alpha Circle. Alright posts, such as Check out this Zelda thing! or What's your favorite game/movie/protagonist/antagonist/user/bathrobe/fruit/person/religiousoligarchy... with moderate potential for discussion, are placed in Circle 2. Posts with very little potential, such as "Did nintendo really kill my dad and if not why won't dad come home :( are sorted into The Circle The Third; and garbage posts with spam or complete nonsense, such as Help I think Petie sent his goons to my house and The sorting system is rig---- are placed in Quadrilateral Circle."

"Thanks to this brilliant method of filtering content, the Administrators can easily allocate resources to appropriately buzzing portions of the forums, saving users on both time and hassle. With the 7:37 News at Eleven, I'm I.C. Weiner." he finished, taking an enormous gulp of air. "Thanks Dick, next up, is Cancer really that bad if you get a cool haircut with it? The answer may surprise you!"

BZZZT. Jiraya popped out the tape, carefully placing it back in the porno-stash located behind his patella. " Well that would explain it, at least a tid bit." SERIOUSLY began with another terrific line, "We're in the outermost circle, torn and in shambles. With nothing but old post about Urkle and Donkey Kong's Brambles".

They began to take in their surroundings more thoroughly now, decrepit buildings and poorly maintained roads as far as the eye (or robotic magic eight ball socket for that matter) could see. The grim dust of desolation and poverty coated everything in a grime of despair, broken street signs in the lawns of houses with boarded windows. "Geeze, everyone must've bolted from here like mucus from a sneeze." SERIOUSLY remarked, taking in a breath of oily air. "CONFIRMED, NO LIFE SIGNS DETECTED WITHIN RANGE. NO HUMANS, ASTRONOMIC BOVINES OR CUCCOS." Jiraya remarked after his WondeRadar™ had completed its scan.
They continued down the road in relative silence for hours, making idle chit chat about Pokemon and the ethical ramifications of removing Jiraya's soul from his corporeal being, when all of a sudden the cyborg's patented Mountain Dew Skeleton-Locator™ began to buzz "Woah dude, looks like someone forgot to take his daily dose of vitamin-DEW!" the ad said, pointing towards a decrepit pink house.

While the exterior of the building looked like some humorous analogy for poop, with graffiti spelling out "FURRET LOV3R" encompassing the walls, the inside was quite the refreshing change in atmosphere. It was fairly clean and sterile, you know, aside from the rotting corpse on the ground next to a plate of some delicious pastry. "Oh my, looks as though someone had a little too much pie" SERIOUSLY said, leaning in to examine the body. Jiraya, meanwhile, wandered through the house, which was surprisingly barren for how well maintained it appeared to be. As he meandered from room to useless room, he finally reached the master bedroom, and on the bed layed an enormous leather-bound book with a red, ominous comic-sans title.

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF ARJAHN
ALSO KNOWN AS ARJAHN AND THE SORCERER'S STONE

[Carlos]

SERIOUSLY and Jiraya were lost, broken and despaired. The Raiden incident had only happened a few hours ago, but to them it seemed like at least nine months COUGH COUGH. "Water, I need water if this day is walk is to be any longer." SERIOUSLY said, dragging his charred legs on the crumbling husk of a roadway. "ACCORDING TO MY COOLMAPS 4 KIDS!™ PROGRAM, WE'RE STILL WITHIN THE OUTER LIMITS OF THE FORUM." Jiraya exclaimed in his newly-Hawkened voice pack. All around them, sporatic bits of text and pixels could be seen whizzing around in bizarre directions.

"Hey Jiraya," SERIOUSLY began, "According to this flya', someone posted about DRM servers hosted. Sim City? Well that sounds downright shitty. What's the haps with all of these screen caps?". "I DO NOT KNOW" Jiraya exclaimed with a sigh of either Mid-90's alternative rock or disappointment. "WAIT, I HAVE LOCATED A TAPE WITH INFORMATION ON THE FORUM STRUCTURE, PERHAPS IT COULD PROVIDE SOME CLARITY." The synthetic creature reached into his kneecap, seemingly feeling no pain from the motion, and produced a cassette tape labled "Forum Origins/Turtle Mating Rituals". The second he popped it into his lower spinal column, a routine procedure of course, a static-sounding news reel began to play through the speakers located in Jiraya's left ass cheek and right face cheek accordingly.

"More on the tragic ThePlainGamer murder-suicide at eleven. On a slightly brighter note, we now turn our faces towards this proud forums half-quarter birthday. Head Anchor ShadeDBZ has the story" a female newscaster read with discernibly false interest in the matter. "Thanks Tigerlilly, now we all know that the VGFacts forum has a proud history of people kind of talking about videogames and mostly complaining about remakes and why EA is almost as bad as Hitler, but what many of us don't know, is how the forums structure themselves. As you can see by this hastily constructed news graphic, as new posts are created, old ones are shoved outwards, creating the Forum Circles.

Take, for example, one of the earlier posts in which this weirdo with a Furret avatar whined about the forum colors. Sure it started out in the Alpha Circle, when the forums were first created and just about anything could make it to the top, but as time moves on and the public's focus shifts to hilarious comics about Nintendo characters, this old post needs to be put out to pasture, otherwise the circles would become clogged and unstable. Thankfully, city engineer and renowned bridge demolisher Petie devised an ingenious method of organizing these would-be obstacles. Now whenever a new post is created, a specialized team of officials rates the content, determining its potential for discussion and placing it in its appropriate circle. Fantastic posts, such as Petie Gets Married or Bridge Demolition 101 with Petie guest starring Christian Slater with great promises for discussion are obviously placed in the Alpha Circle. Alright posts, such as Check out this Zelda thing! or What's your favorite game/movie/protagonist/antagonist/user/bathrobe/fruit/person/religiousoligarchy... with moderate potential for discussion, are placed in Circle 2. Posts with very little potential, such as "Did nintendo really kill my dad and if not why won't dad come home :( are sorted into The Circle The Third; and garbage posts with spam or complete nonsense, such as Help I think Petie sent his goons to my house and The sorting system is rig---- are placed in Quadrilateral Circle."

"Thanks to this brilliant method of filtering content, the Administrators can easily allocate resources to appropriately buzzing portions of the forums, saving users on both time and hassle. With the 7:37 News at Eleven, I'm I.C. Weiner." he finished, taking an enormous gulp of air. "Thanks Dick, next up, is Cancer really that bad if you get a cool haircut with it? The answer may surprise you!"

BZZZT. Jiraya popped out the tape, carefully placing it back in the porno-stash located behind his patella. " Well that would explain it, at least a tid bit." SERIOUSLY began with another terrific line, "We're in the outermost circle, torn and in shambles. With nothing but old post about Urkle and Donkey Kong's Brambles".

They began to take in their surroundings more thoroughly now, decrepit buildings and poorly maintained roads as far as the eye (or robotic magic eight ball socket for that matter) could see. The grim dust of desolation and poverty coated everything in a grime of despair, broken street signs in the lawns of houses with boarded windows. "Geeze, everyone must've bolted from here like mucus from a sneeze." SERIOUSLY remarked, taking in a breath of oily air. "CONFIRMED, NO LIFE SIGNS DETECTED WITHIN RANGE. NO HUMANS, ASTRONOMIC BOVINES OR CUCCOS." Jiraya remarked after his WondeRadar™ had completed its scan.
They continued down the road in relative silence for hours, making idle chit chat about Pokemon and the ethical ramifications of removing Jiraya's soul from his corporeal being, when all of a sudden the cyborg's patented Mountain Dew Skeleton-Locator™ began to buzz "Woah dude, looks like someone forgot to take his daily dose of vitamin-DEW!" the ad said, pointing towards a decrepit pink house.

While the exterior of the building looked like some humorous analogy for poop, with graffiti spelling out "FURRET LOV3R" encompassing the walls, the inside was quite the refreshing change in atmosphere. It was fairly clean and sterile, you know, aside from the rotting corpse on the ground next to a plate of some delicious pastry. "Oh my, looks as though someone had a little too much pie" SERIOUSLY said, leaning in to examine the body. Jiraya, meanwhile, wandered through the house, which was surprisingly barren for how well maintained it appeared to be. As he meandered from room to useless room, he finally reached the master bedroom, and on the bed layed an enormous leather-bound book with a red, ominous comic-sans title.

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF ARJAHN
ALSO KNOWN AS ARJAHN AND THE SORCERER'S STONE

There needs to be some artwork of this.

[Arjahn]

AMAZING LITERATURE

There needs to be some artwork of this.

Done.

Spoiler