Clever Joke Thread

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

Wife: "I... I must tell you something important"

Husband: "What is it?"

Wife: "We are going to be three menbers in this house rather than just two"

*the husband, believing he was talking about a child, gets happy and hugs her*

Wife: "I'm glad you took it like that. Not many people would be happy about the idea of their mother-in-law living with them"

Husband: "....."

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but nobody knows how they got in there.

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? 

A synonym roll

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

So a couple of documents about the JFK assasination were released. From what I've heard, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information.

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

I once Googled, "How to commit murder and get away with it"..... the first result was, "Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it."

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

So Kid Gohan uses Trunks time machine and travels to an alternate timeline, he mets Teen Goku on it.

Gohan: "Hey dad, it's me!"

Goku: "Uh? Who are you?

Gohan: "Don't you recognize me? I'm your SON!"

Goku: "Uh? But the SUN is over there!"

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

The results of a study regarding how women feel about their asses were released to the public.

30% of women think their ass is too fat, while a 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% says that they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

A woman goes to the doctor and her husband asked her about it afterwards.

Wife: "The doctor told me I have the blood pressure of a 20-year-old. He also told me I have the vision of a teenager, as well as the flexibility of a young 30 something."

Husband: "Oh yeah? And what did he said about your 50-year-old ass? "

Wife: "Honey, your name never came up."

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

"Balrog, can you comment on your latest victory?"
-Time to get Paid

"Balrog, why are you staring at that woman's ass?"
-Time to get Laid

"Balrog, what's your opinion of the Twilight series?"
-Time to get Blade

"Balrog, there is an insect problem in the basement..."
-Time to get Raid

"Balrog, Lord F.A.N.G. keeps farting in the elevator"
-Time to get Glade

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

How do you call a hispanic guy who lost his car?

Carlos!

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

Why can't some snakes get boners? Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

Why on Earth are people making jokes about menstruation? Don't they realize it's a bloody serious topic?!

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

What does NASA do at parties? 

They planet.

---

What did the photon particle say as it traveled past? 

Nothing, it just waved

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

What kind of cakes does a chemist bake?

Enthal Pies

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

What did the brother cell say to the sister cell when she stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.
Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one afternoon, Dan sees a cantina up the street. He leans over to his friend and says, “Hey Chip, lets swing by that bar and take a load off.”

Now it takes Chip a moment to think it over when he says, “Dan, we can’t go into that there bar. We’re Privates, and only Sergeants and above can hangout off base!”

Dan laughs at his dull friend and retorts, “Chip, bud, we aren’t Privates, we’re Sergeants now!” And they saunter on in.
The duo head in and take two stools and Dan wastes no time ordering two cold beers over. Now Chip starts getting nervous and he leans over to Dan and whispers, “Dan I don’t know about this... Privates aren’t supposed to drink! Only Sergeants and above are allowed to consume alcohol!”

Dan chuckles, shaking his head at his simple friends worries; “Chip ol’ pal, your forgetting; Privates can’t drink, but we’re Sergeants now! Take a load off!” And upon this realization, Chip relaxes a little and the two enjoy a few more beers together.

The night rolls on and the two get pretty tipsy when later in the evening Dan draws the attention of a young prostitute. She is very interested in Dan, but she leans over and whispers to him, “Baby I think your very cute, I’d love to show you a good time, I’ve just got Gonorrhea so I’ll let you decide if you want me tonight.”

Now Dan isn’t too fluent in Vietnamese, so he leans over to Chip and asks, “Chip, can you do me a favor. I don’t know what ‘Gonorrhea’ means; Can you run back to base and see what you can find out? If it’s a good thing, just give me a thumbs up and I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Chip agrees, runs back to base, and about an hour later returns to the door of the bar and gives Dan a thumbs up and an all clear.

A week goes by and Dan is in the medical wing on base groaning and moaning about his unfortunate ailment when Chip comes by to visit him.

“Damn it Chip! You said Gonorrhea was a good thing!,” shouted Dan.

“No,” said Chip smiling, “You see, I looked it up, and Gonorrhea effects only the privates, but you don’t need to worry because we’re Sergeants now.”