Official "Beware of Cuccos" Lore Thread

[Carlos]

You just made my day.

[Arjahn]

First off, I just re read through all of the fabulous Cucco's lore and realized that I contradicted or over-wrote through other people's passages, sorry about that. When I write goofy stuff like this way too late at night, I sort of get tunnel vision and just go nuts, and in the process I guess I sort of ignored  the fact that you guys have a lot to offer as well. I will keep your chapters in mind and try not to overwrite or be a general dick about it. 
Also, DAMN my writing style was shite. Hopeful improvements below.
With that out of the way, back to the stowy tim!
_______________________________________

    "Huh, a book, a strange find for this nook." SERIOUSLY remarked, holding the fabled diary of the late Arjahn. "Wait a second pardner, isn't it Arjahn and the philosopher's stone?" Jiraya remarked from the doorway, having replaced his overused-joke brand voicebox with that of a sultry robot doing a horrific southern accent. "Pfft, it was originally philosopher's, but changed to sorcerer's for foreign releases as a result of publishers underestimating the vocabulary range of the book's target demographic, duh." rumbled an all too featherly familiar, slightly more sultry voice from the backdoor. 

    "Si-sir, the rhyme tracker ha-ha-has found them holed up in Arjahn's old hut in the outer ring. But we-we also detected a few oth-ther rythms nearby, sounds like a chip tune of some ki-kind." Retrolinkx told his glorious master Petie, who was swiveling as usual in his deskchair. "Cuccoos..." Petie remarked, slamming his fist on the table. "Now now Petie, keep it together, we wouldn't want another SPLIIIIIIIIT now would we?" he said staring through his 37th floor window. He'd moved his primary office down a floor, as evidently Penthouses weren't the safest option for today's skyrise megalomaniac on the go. "Retrolink, my child, have you ever heard the story of Moses?" he asked, moving towards his control panel with the swiftness of a tranquilized sloth. "N-no sir, all non-zombie-related literature was banned in the great uprising of oh-thirteen." the prodigal assistant replied. "Well then," Petie said in an ever-so estute voice. "Allow me to enlighten you." 

    "Cuccoos... also why does this here bedroom have three doors attached to it?" Jiraya said as the Poultry Bitch herself meandered through the rear of the room "They always said Arjahn was a little... off, in spite of his writing talents. Weird architecture and whorish choice in wallpaper," she replied, pointing towards the little chickens in sailor outfits lining every square inch of the room. "Must've just been some of his quirks. Now mister-sunglass-removal, why don't you be a dear and hand over that there 'nomicon for me, ok?" SERIOUSLY was as enraged as a fourteen year old girl who had just gotten engaged against her will to a previous rival family as a political gambit to assure her families lineage go on as well as their land rites (Seriousy though, monarch family politics were super fucked up guys). 
   
   "You, you, you villainous cur! You made my voice a joke, a riot, a slur! I cannot breathe nor sleep nor think a single thought without overwhelming yet understated feelings of distraught! You lied, you cheated and cut your way to the top, punishing your accusers who'd your reputation dear drop!" he iterated with the fury of a thousand Dr. Seus novellas. "Now now hun, don't be mad, why in fact, I think, we can all walk out of here glad!" she replied with a tone of enthused mockery. "How DARE you spit a single rhyme! All I have, after all of this time, is a mastery, an enlightened understanding, for my 'crime'. Schemes and tempos are all that I've got, and yet you dare to begin to plot. Those notes on the hypothetical page of torment? To the furthest depths of hell you will be sent!" SERIOUSLY schemed with mad beats as he lunged at the maiden with the fury of a minimum wage employee trying to make it in the ever-competitive field of hip hop. 
   
"Moses was a troubled man, with an insurmountable task on his shoulders." Petie began. "He had been chosen to lead an oppressed people from their bonds of slavery and torment to freedom. You see, my dear retrolink, I am of the belief that we were all chosen. Many a man has dedicated his entire life to finding out what he was chosen for, the ultimate irony of course being that he was chosen to search endlessly. Wasting what could have been a wonderful life on delusions of a higher purpose." He began laughing his cold, hoarse, horse-deafening laugh. "Personally, I believe I have discovered  the task I was chosen for. Would you like to find out?" "Ye-yes sir!" Retrolink said, reminding himself of Petie's previous assistant's fate after saying no to the great leader.
    
"Nuh uh uh!" Beware of Cuccoos remarked as she sidestepped SERIOUSLY's attack, launching him through the open doorway into the back yard. Within this yard was an army of Cuccos the likes of which you've never seen. "Nice try my rhyming acquaintance, but alas, not nice enough. Now if you wouldn't mind handing over that there diary before things get ugly." She said, overturning the rhyme scheme ridden body and grabbing the tome. "Excellent, now my chickens, please do Mister Seriously a favor and put him out of his miserable, rhythmical misery, wouldja?" She ordered, playing a tune on her precious Ocarina. The cuccos roared to attention, standing upright with the organizational skills of a 42-year old suburban mom with  a labelmaker. "Now then, let's just take a peek-sie at what Arjahn was working on-- wait, what the fuck is this?" Cuccoos remarked, examining the cover of the far less popular Mass Distraction and the Order of Pusta now residing in her arms. "FAORE DIN JESUS DAZZ DAMMIT! CUCCOS, TO THE SKY! FIND THAT SHIT EATING CYBORG AND BRING ME THAT DIARY! The battalion of mad chickens flocked to the heavens with the speed and determination of [ANALOGY]. 
   
   It was at this point that SERIOUSLY THOUGH began laughing uncontrollably. "What's wrong Cuccoos? Didn't like my little game of Peekaboos?" he said, writhing in pain. "Oh, this aint over hun. My birdies are going to find you shit-jawed little friend, and when they're through with him, it's gonna take a lot more than cosmetic surgery and fourteen pounds of pure titanium to fix 'im up dollface. And when they're done, you can bet your hippity hopping little tuckus you'll be next." The flustered Cuccoos told the man on the ground before taking to the sky on her lakitu-super-cloud of begrudged chickens
    
    Now, Jiraya was a fast cyborg, but hot damn are those birds speedy when they're mad. He had a head start and they were already catching up, imagine if his leg was an assault rife! He didn't know where to go or how to hide or why he had a tricycle tracking implant, all he knew was that he needed to keep this book out of the wrong hands. "JIRAYA YOU LITTLE COCK BRAIN, GIVE ME THAT NOVEL!" Echoed the booming voice of a thousand Cuccoos. She and her sky-chariot of chicken feathers was gaining fast, and his Toyota Tonka-TOUGH leg implants couldn't outrun her army for long
  
    "I was chosen to maintain this forum. Sure, we've had moderators and admins and whatever those guys with the green names are called, but I am and have always been The Architect. I designed the system, I kept the balance in tact, and I designed the rings." Petie monologued, Ghost Nappa had been keeping tabs on him for a while from the air ducts, and this part had him dozing off a few times now. "When Moses was fleeing the Egyptian army, he was endowed with the divine power to part he sea. Just as he parted the Red Sea, I have parted the Forum Sections, and have led my suffering members through its passages to the promise land. Pop Quiz time my dear assistant! Do you know what happens when two several-hundred foot tall bodies of water instantly collapse in on each other?" The madman asked as he motioned for a big, green button. "No-no sir." Retrolink replied, genuinely not aware since he was homeschooled by a Y2K cult leader with a 4th grade comprehension of physics. "Well, let's find out together!" Petie said with a mad excitement in his voice, smashing the button and hurting his hand a bit. 
   
    A roaring, explosive crash was felt throughout the outer ring. "Oh lord, what is it now?" Beware of Cuccoos remarked to herself, still in pursuit. An enormous shock wave ripped through the entire forum, disorienting the Cuccoos and causing them to plummet to the ground below. Cuccoos fell on her butt, thankfully softened by the corpses of several of her loyal servants. "Yes!" Jiraya exclaimed, believing her chase had been brought to an end. Unbeknownst to him, the entrance to Section the Third was right smack dab in front of him, leading to a crash straight out of a Roadrunner episode. "There's nowhere to run, hun. Let's settle this right here!" Cuccos said, rolling up her sleeves. "Oh man, seriously?" Jiraya said, laughing as hysterically as his laugh-box allowed. With that, he raised his light machine gun arm to the violator and let it rip. 
   
    While Cuccoos obviously prefers her army of Beware-worthy minions to do her dirty work, even she acknowledges that sometimes you need to just roll up your sleeves and do it yourself. She unsheathed the Master Sword Replica of Banning with lightning speed, rushing the cyborg with incredible swiftness, ricocheting every bullet coming her way into the eye sockets of recently-deceased orphans nearby. "Oh shiiiiiiii---" Jiraya said as Cuccoos leaped into the air, closing the distance and bringing her righteous sword down on his arm. By far his coolest arm was viscerally severed from his torso with a audible, rip, sending scrap metal and duck tape flying through the streets. The Chicken Lady Guy tripped the robot man and held her sword to his neck. "I should've killed you when I had the chance, hon. Your life is a mistake, this abomination" she said, holding up his machine gun arm, "is all you are. A mangled, ineffective, worthless piece of piss-metal garbage. This place is coming down, you know. Petie probably decided to blow it to smithereens as soon as he detected me, the prick. I suppose I should leave you here to die, just like your friend back at theYEOWWWWWWWWWWW" she monologued as a lobster claw smacked the back of her head. 
    
    "You leave that Sega kid alone, you swindling whore." Boomed the gravely voice of a retired pelvic slammer. 

FIN FOR NOW

[Beware of Cuccos*]

I FUCKING LOVE IT.

"Master Sword Replica of Banning"
FAVORITE

[Mass Distraction]

Chapter 3 coming to a forum close to you... sometime!

[Arjahn]

Gonna try and compile this masterwork into one legible compilation by the weekend and hopefully add a chapter soon, although I've said that before and waited nine months to do so so take that with a big ol' grain of salt.

[Kakariko Kid]

Gonna try and compile this masterwork into one legible compilation by the weekend and hopefully add a chapter soon, although I've said that before and waited nine months to do so so take that with a big ol' grain of salt.

I haven't read the entire 110 post of this thread already, but I need to get around to it. Also, I think you may have a challenge with using the previously active and/or banned members in future chapters.
(Kill them all off and if they return, make up some bull$#!+ about how they survived and returned. Like Marvel and DC do all the time.)

This should be good.

EDIT: OMG. I just listened to part of Cosmyk's storytelling recording on SoundCloud. His voice is soooooo great. We need to do something together. I dunno what, but we do. My wife and sisters and daughters and in-laws, say I have an "announcer's voice" or something whenever we play Cards Against Humanity. They even make me read the cards when someone else has the black card.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH*]

I want Cosmyk to follow me around and describe my life.

A true story from yesterday :
"And after having been spat at by a homeless person for saying "bonjour", SERIOUSLY wondered whether the results would have been the same if he had greeted his new friend in the other official language."

[Hexadecimal*]

EDIT: OMG. I just listened to part of Cosmyk's storytelling recording on SoundCloud. His voice is soooooo great. We need to do something together. I dunno what, but we do. My wife and sisters and daughters and in-laws, say I have an "announcer's voice" or something whenever we play Cards Against Humanity. They even make me read the cards when someone else has the black card.

This is quite a bit off-topic, but reading this makes me want us all to get together and play CAH. The online version is pretty buggy, but it works OK, and I think we can make a deck of our own to throw in that could have our names and other stuff related to the forums.

[Psychospacecow]

http://www.pretendyoure.xyz/zy/

For reference.

[Arjahn]

got really really busy so holding off on compiling, sorry guys.