Clever Joke Thread

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

So I recently met this guy who ate his own arm.

Man, he's so full of himself. Gotta hand it to 'em.

[Psychospacecow]

You ever heard about the time Donkey Kong got stuck in a a barrel he was trying to throw? He felt pretty cooped up.

[CLXcool]

Why did the bee stung the old lady? He wanted to be sure she got 'the point'.

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

A villager walks by a stone that says: "Here lies a lawyer; a honorable, honest man".

The villager gets scared and says: "Dear god, they buried three men on the same pit!"

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

So a man in a bar is bragging to a buddy about his new model girlfriend....

"She is a pageant winner and simply the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”

“Ok,” says his friend, “then when can I meet her?"

"You can't,” says the man, "she doesn't like hanging around people.”

His friend replies, "Most pageant winners are pretty outgoing, are you sure she’s one?”

"Of course,” states the man, "she told me she was Miss Anthrope."

[Kakariko Kid]

Son: why is my sister's name Teresa?
Dad: because your mom likes Easter... it's an anagram.
Son: oh, okay. Thanks, dad.
Dad: you're welcome, Alan.

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

Hey, you know how the 10th Fast and Furious movie should be called? Fast 10: Your Seat belts!

[Psychospacecow]

Dermatologists are not your friends. Their concern for you is only skin deep.

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

How often does Jon Arbuckle change his wallpaper?

He strips them every week.

[YTSpunko]

A doctor says to a patient; "I got bad news and worse news"

Bad News is You Got Cancer. Worse news is you have Alzheimers.

The patient thinks for a second and says; "At least I don't have cancer."

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line.

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[Psychospacecow]

How many lemmings does it take to cover the distance of a bridge over a gorge? How deep is the gorge?

[CLXcool]

Two old guys see a movie, they watched a couple of trailers. The first guy says 'they say cinema is a work of art'. The second guy asks 'then what would you call the emoji movie?'. The first responds 'garbage'.

[ZpaceJ0ck0]

A bussines man travels to Japan, and during his first day he decides to try one of those Japanese prostitutes he hears from his coworkers so often. The foreigner and the Japanese girl go to a love hotel where they proceed to have some fun.

All throughout their sexual endeavors, the prostitute continuously yells this "machigatta ana" phrase to which the man assumes means "awesome". After that, he pays the woman and lets her be on her way.

The next morning, our business man is playing golf with his friends. On his first play he succeseds at scoring and decides to show off his knowledge of the Japanese language by saying "machigatta ana!".

His friends look at him with a confused look and ask "what do you mean by 'wrong hole' "?.

[Psychospacecow]

Therapist "Tell me, why do you compulsively snap your fingers every second? Does it serve a purpose?"

Patient: "Of course! Snapping keeps the tigers away!"

Therapist: "haha. There aren't any tigers within 50 miles of here!"

Patient: "Effective, isnt it?"